Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I need to unload... and would appreciate a little advice...

I am feeling hurt and upset over something that happened yesterday. I am not sure where else to go with my thoughts on this. I guess that's what my blog is for, right? I really need to get this off my chest though. I am hoping blogging about it will help.

I texted a friend yesterday who I hadn't seen in a while. I told her I missed her and wanted to hang out. I asked her if she wanted to have dinner with us one night this week. She went on to tell me that she had been wanting to take Joe out for a birthday drink since she had missed his birthday party. She suggested we all have dinner together on Friday and then her and Joe could go out for a drink. I told her that I didn't really want to sit at home by myself friday night, that we had been really busy lately and I was hoping to hang out with Joe as well on Friday. How about we all have dinner and then I could see if my mom could come up and hang out at our house with the munchkin while we all went out for a drink. She basically told me that she hadn't hung out with Joe in a long time and she wanted "boy time" , then went on to say she would "work it out with him". So I said "Are you seriously saying you would rather me not be there? I rarely see you either. That's kind of wierd."

Let me cut into my story real quick and say that this friend is friends with both of us, but she was definitely my friend first. Her and I hung out by ourselves often, and we would all hang out together, but her and Joe never did things by themselves. I have known her since high school and she wasn't friends with Joe until her and I were reunited and started hanging out together a few years ago. And now, we don't see her see her or talk to her near as often since the munchkin was born. Not that any of this really matters, but I just wanted to give you a little background.

Now I don't have any other friends that (even though they are friends with Joe too) would want to take him out by themselves. But I didn't even really think twice about this part when she first said she wanted to take Joe out for a drink. I am in no way worried that she is interested romantically in Joe and I am definitely not worried about Joe being interested in her. The part that bothered me, was when she flat out told me she wanted to spend time alone with Joe without me there. I can't, in my wildest dreams, imagine telling one of my friends this about their husband. Or how would Joe react if one of our mutual guy friends told him he wanted to take me out for a drink and would rather him not go with us. He would think the guy was crazy! Even if she did think it would be more fun to hang out with Joe without me there, who the hell would actually say that? And then when I asked her about it, she started to question my relationship and how me and Joe handle things.

She says, "I just want to hang out with Joe. He sits at home while you go out, why can't you? I think that's wierd".

Okay so at this point, I am starting to get a little upset. Trying to keep my cool, I respond, "I am actually at home with (munchkin) way more then he is. I very rarely go out. U r both starting school soon I thought it would be fun for us to all hang out. I am sorry u don't see it that way".

Her response : "I am sorry that you are so upset that I want to hang out with Joe. I offered to do dinner with all of us and then drinks but you said no. Joe works and goes to school. I don't get why he can't have time with his friends like you do. We have been trying to book this since his bday. Why are you so upset? I even told you that I wanted to take him out. Why is that so hard?"

Why is that so hard? I am really starting to feel like she is crossing a line here. And I am really starting to get pretty pissed off. We don't even see her very much any more and she has no idea how often or when either of us gets out or what we do on a daily basis. I have no idea why she is judging us or what we do and how she even came up with the conclusion that I go out all of the time while Joe stays home by himself and watches our child.

I respond "First of all joe goes and hangs with his friends without me just as much if not more then I do. Not that that is any of your concern anyway. I think its out of line that you are even questioning the way we do things anyway. I also think its really wierd that you want to hang out with Joe and that you don't want me there. Why would you not want me to go? That just doesn't make sense."

She says "I never get to see Joe and he rarely gets away. You enjoy your time away, why can't he? Why is it so weird that I want to hang out with him? Do I need your permission to be his friend now? I think you are being unfair. I am not questioning your rule. Joe doesn't even do that."

Okay.... WTF?! "Question my rule?" What the hell is she talking about... is she saying that I lay down the law with Joe and he has to obey me? Yay right. And why does she keep going on and on about how I get to do stuff and Joe doesn't? Is she really telling me that she wants to hang out with my husband, that she would rather me not be there, that she thinks its not fair that I get to go out all the time and he doesn't? This is so out of left field, with absolutely nothing to back it up whatsoever and so hurtful that I don't even know what to think about it. There are not many things that would make me want to just walk away from a friendship right then and there, but this was one of them.

I say to her, "Wow. I can't believe u are even talking to me like this. If I didn't know better, I would say that you are purposely trying to lose me as a friend. Either way, mission accomplished."

She only confirmed this decision with her response, "Grow up. You are his wife not his fucking wardon. I obviously didn't mean that much to you if my wanting to take Joe out for his birthday is causing such an issue."

Does she seriously think that that was why I said that? That it was because she just wanted to take Joe out?

I foolishly thought further explanation could help her to understand why I was upset with her, "This is not about him not being able to go out without me. He does that plenty. It's about u saying u dont want me there. I thought we were good friends, .... "

She cuts in "Whatever helps you throw people away... "

I finish "Why wouldn't you want me there? Then you go on to question how our relationship works and say that joe doesn't even question my rule. Who talks to their friends like that anyway? I would never talk to you like that and I would rather not have friends that would. Sometimes your just plain mean. What is said is that u don't even realize it."

That was the end of our conversation and I haven't heard from her since. Other then a few opening remarks, I have not left anything out and included our conversation in quotes so that you would get the entire story without me changing anything or skewing things from my point of view.

I don't even know what to make of it. I am so hurt that she would act that way towards me and say those things about my relationship with my husband. I have never said or done anything unkind to this woman and have always tried to be a good friend to her. I stood by her when no one else would while she went through a very tough relationship with her ex boyfriend. I never judged her or tried to tell her how she should handle things. I have seen her turn on other people and be mean to them before in ways I couldn't understand, but I had always thought that we were too good of friends for her to treat me that way. For the past 6 months or so, there has been a few incidences of things she has done that have hurt my feelings or made me question what kind of person she is, but I tried to ignore them. This however, I can not. I am done.

Wouldn't most woman be a little upset or think it was weird if one of their friends told them they wanted to take their husband out for a drink and would rather them not be there? Who says that? And even if you thought it, who would have the balls to actually tell someone that as if it's no big deal at all?

To be honest, if we were all going out for drinks and something came up and I could not go, I would have no problem with the two of them going on without me. What I do have a problem with, is me asking if we could all go out for drinks together and her specifically telling me that she didn't want me to go. I was really wanted to spend time with her because I missed her. That was why I had texted her in the first place. Are you kidding me? Why would she think that wouldn't bother me? Am I totally off base here?

Then go on to question whether I let him go out enough or not. Why would she ever think in a million years that our marriage and how we operate it is any of her damn business anyway? Even if what she was saying WAS true, although it is very clearly not. And why wasn't she getting that I had no problem with him going out without me, that that had nothing to do with why I was upset? It was because she was specifically telling me that she didn't want me to go out with her and my husband while they went to get a drink and that she was talking shit about our relationship and what we do and saying things that were completely untrue. Didn't I spell that out for her... more then once?

I suppose now that we won't be hanging out with her, she will assume that I laid down the law or my "rule" and told Joe that he couldn't hang out with her anymore, when really why would a husband want to hang out with someone that would be so hurtful to his wife and say those sort of unfounded things about their relationship? What did she think was going to happen? What was she trying to accomplish? Did she think that I was eventually going to say, "You are right, I am being silly. Why don't you go ahead and take my husband out for a drink and I will stay home since you don't want me to come". Or that her shedding light on my grossly overlooked tyranny was going to make me take a step back and realize the error of my ways? Seriously... what was she thinking? And why would she even want to talk to her friend like that or treat me that way? How could she not think that everything she was saying was going to extremely hurt my feelings? Could she really be that off base herself, or did she just not care?

I just don't get it. At all. I hate to even feel this upset about anything or to get this mad at someone. I keep thinking about it and wondering if somehow I did something wrong and am not realizing it. But from any angle, I just can't find any fault of my own. Throughout the entire conversation, I tried to refrain from saying anything hurtful because I always try to avoid saying anything that I might have to apologize for later. There were so many things I wanted to say, but I held my tongue. But really, who does she think she is? Doesn't she realize that we are having this conversation about my husband and my marriage? She is clearly clueless of the sanctity that comes along with that and where the lines are drawn.

I just can't understand how a text, starting off with telling a friend that I missed her and wanted to hang out, had turned into something like this.

11 comments:

lessonsinlifeandlight said...

Laura, your email is your first name dot your last name at yahoo right? I want to comment but I'd rather do it in private.

CAKE. by Sarah Jane said...

Okay, so you know how I am am good at finding the reasons and other sides of stories before judging? I'm always the first to say, "well, maybe this...or what if this...?" So, I think I actually might have a possible reason why she wanted to go out with Joe and just have "boy time" without realizing it was crossing any type of line with you or hurting your feelings. (Not saying I think she's right or anything...just maybe a possible explanation from a third neutral party) Call me when you get off work.

Gina said...

Unlike Britt and Sarah, I can't think of a reason. But I really want to hear theirs! So call me later and fill me in. I can't imagine any reason a friend would do this. I know we talked about it in detail last night and then I discussed it with B last night and neither one of us could wrap our brains around it. And we are both always playing Devil's Advocate.

But dude, is it cool if I take Joe to Banzai tomorrow? B is working late. Maybe you could kick it at home with the munchkin and L? I really don't want you there. Peace.

Anna said...

I still think you guys should talk to each other, as lots of things can be lost in texting translation. Maybe it could clear some things up.

Lil' Woman said...

I obviously do not know you and your friend very well but from what I've read that is some shady and disrespectful words she's thrown around.

I have full faith in my relationship with Big Man but if I have a girlfriend over and I'm leaving, she better grab her keys and purse and get going too. There would be no way some woman is going to tell me that I'm a warden and that she only wants to spend time with my husband ALONE and then goes on to question my marriage.

I personally think your right to cut her off. I would not want a friend like that to me around myself or my husband. I can understand trying to see the other side of it but I don't think you were wrong in any shape or form.

LayLadyLay said...

Girl, you are stronger than me. If I had a friend that acted like that towards myself and my relationship with my husband, I would have my stabbing goggles on. But thanks for the drama. I have had a shit day and needed it.

Susannah said...

Holy shit! WTF??? Was she high? Seriously Laura, I cannot get over this. That is completely demented and I would have reacted in the same way. Maybe even worse! It is totally inappropriate for her to say those things and I think it is very weird for her to want to do that. She is a shady bee-otch and you are good to be rid of her!!

Watching The River Run said...

My 2 cents: Anna has a point. Things could have gotten lost in translation, BUT where I disagree with that angle is this. There was no misunderstanding her telling you in the beginning of the conversation that she would rather you not be there while her and he went out. I believe throughout all the following texts, that there could have definitely been some misunderstandings happening, since it seems with each text the conversation took a new turn.

I personally would be pretty confused and a little taken a back as well. I think your marriage is none of her business and I would wonder where she was getting her point of judgement from to begin with. Either way, I look at it this way. I would never ask a married woman to hang with her hubby alone, and therefore would expect that respect to be returned to me.

Myshka said...

Okay. Well, after thinking and thinking... (and my brain started to hurt) I think that there's a lot of stuff said on text that might get lost in translation, as someone else said. Her reasons could be purely honest and rational (to her), but what she's not doing is seeing that you two come in a pair, this is not just one friend that she can hang out with on his own, he comes with a wife now, too. How does Joe feel about this? Have you talked to him? Can you reach a compromise and go out with all of them and then leave them to finish up? But what I find strange is that she was your friend first, and now she's treating Joe like her long lost best friend. Maybe she's going through something and she can't talk to you about it? Either way, she's spoken to you disrespectfully, and you should cut her out for a little while. Get space from her. No one has the right to disrespect you or your marriage. I'd also tell Joe, to get him on the same page as you, what happened, and tell him that you'd rather not have her coming to him if you've had this big fall out. A friend of mine tried to do that, to go to my hubby after she fell out with me, and I asked him not to respond to her, which he agreed was the right thing to do. She's no longer in our lives now. Good luck xo

Flat Foot Floozy said...

Unless that bitch was planning a gigantic awesome suprise party that included diamonds and pearls for you and she was secretly trying to get Joe away to make plans....F!@#$K HER! My 2 cents♥

Anonymous said...

If one of my girlfriends comes by to visit me when I am not home my husband will ask her to come back when I am home. If one of my hubby's buddies pops in to visit, they don't get past the security door unless he is home. I will politely ask them to come back when he is home. This is one of the rules of Islam.
We also do not shake hands of the opposite sex, and we lower our gazes.
There is much to be said for these rules.
I would totally flip out if one of my "friends" asked to spend time with my husband alone.. two chances of that ever happening... buckleys and none!!