I am feeling hurt and upset over something that happened yesterday. I am not sure where else to go with my thoughts on this. I guess that's what my blog is for, right? I really need to get this off my chest though. I am hoping blogging about it will help.
I texted a friend yesterday who I hadn't seen in a while. I told her I missed her and wanted to hang out. I asked her if she wanted to have dinner with us one night this week. She went on to tell me that she had been wanting to take Joe out for a birthday drink since she had missed his birthday party. She suggested we all have dinner together on Friday and then her and Joe could go out for a drink. I told her that I didn't really want to sit at home by myself friday night, that we had been really busy lately and I was hoping to hang out with Joe as well on Friday. How about we all have dinner and then I could see if my mom could come up and hang out at our house with the munchkin while we all went out for a drink. She basically told me that she hadn't hung out with Joe in a long time and she wanted "boy time" , then went on to say she would "work it out with him". So I said "Are you seriously saying you would rather me not be there? I rarely see you either. That's kind of wierd."
Let me cut into my story real quick and say that this friend is friends with both of us, but she was definitely my friend first. Her and I hung out by ourselves often, and we would all hang out together, but her and Joe never did things by themselves. I have known her since high school and she wasn't friends with Joe until her and I were reunited and started hanging out together a few years ago. And now, we don't see her see her or talk to her near as often since the munchkin was born. Not that any of this really matters, but I just wanted to give you a little background.
Now I don't have any other friends that (even though they are friends with Joe too) would want to take him out by themselves. But I didn't even really think twice about this part when she first said she wanted to take Joe out for a drink. I am in no way worried that she is interested romantically in Joe and I am definitely not worried about Joe being interested in her. The part that bothered me, was when she flat out told me she wanted to spend time alone with Joe without me there. I can't, in my wildest dreams, imagine telling one of my friends this about their husband. Or how would Joe react if one of our mutual guy friends told him he wanted to take me out for a drink and would rather him not go with us. He would think the guy was crazy! Even if she did think it would be more fun to hang out with Joe without me there, who the hell would actually say that? And then when I asked her about it, she started to question my relationship and how me and Joe handle things.
She says, "I just want to hang out with Joe. He sits at home while you go out, why can't you? I think that's wierd".
Okay so at this point, I am starting to get a little upset. Trying to keep my cool, I respond, "I am actually at home with (munchkin) way more then he is. I very rarely go out. U r both starting school soon I thought it would be fun for us to all hang out. I am sorry u don't see it that way".
Her response : "I am sorry that you are so upset that I want to hang out with Joe. I offered to do dinner with all of us and then drinks but you said no. Joe works and goes to school. I don't get why he can't have time with his friends like you do. We have been trying to book this since his bday. Why are you so upset? I even told you that I wanted to take him out. Why is that so hard?"
Why is that so hard? I am really starting to feel like she is crossing a line here. And I am really starting to get pretty pissed off. We don't even see her very much any more and she has no idea how often or when either of us gets out or what we do on a daily basis. I have no idea why she is judging us or what we do and how she even came up with the conclusion that I go out all of the time while Joe stays home by himself and watches our child.
I respond "First of all joe goes and hangs with his friends without me just as much if not more then I do. Not that that is any of your concern anyway. I think its out of line that you are even questioning the way we do things anyway. I also think its really wierd that you want to hang out with Joe and that you don't want me there. Why would you not want me to go? That just doesn't make sense."
She says "I never get to see Joe and he rarely gets away. You enjoy your time away, why can't he? Why is it so weird that I want to hang out with him? Do I need your permission to be his friend now? I think you are being unfair. I am not questioning your rule. Joe doesn't even do that."
Okay.... WTF?! "Question my rule?" What the hell is she talking about... is she saying that I lay down the law with Joe and he has to obey me? Yay right. And why does she keep going on and on about how I get to do stuff and Joe doesn't? Is she really telling me that she wants to hang out with my husband, that she would rather me not be there, that she thinks its not fair that I get to go out all the time and he doesn't? This is so out of left field, with absolutely nothing to back it up whatsoever and so hurtful that I don't even know what to think about it. There are not many things that would make me want to just walk away from a friendship right then and there, but this was one of them.
I say to her, "Wow. I can't believe u are even talking to me like this. If I didn't know better, I would say that you are purposely trying to lose me as a friend. Either way, mission accomplished."
She only confirmed this decision with her response, "Grow up. You are his wife not his fucking wardon. I obviously didn't mean that much to you if my wanting to take Joe out for his birthday is causing such an issue."
Does she seriously think that that was why I said that? That it was because she just wanted to take Joe out?
I foolishly thought further explanation could help her to understand why I was upset with her, "This is not about him not being able to go out without me. He does that plenty. It's about u saying u dont want me there. I thought we were good friends, .... "
She cuts in "Whatever helps you throw people away... "
I finish "Why wouldn't you want me there? Then you go on to question how our relationship works and say that joe doesn't even question my rule. Who talks to their friends like that anyway? I would never talk to you like that and I would rather not have friends that would. Sometimes your just plain mean. What is said is that u don't even realize it."
That was the end of our conversation and I haven't heard from her since. Other then a few opening remarks, I have not left anything out and included our conversation in quotes so that you would get the entire story without me changing anything or skewing things from my point of view.
I don't even know what to make of it. I am so hurt that she would act that way towards me and say those things about my relationship with my husband. I have never said or done anything unkind to this woman and have always tried to be a good friend to her. I stood by her when no one else would while she went through a very tough relationship with her ex boyfriend. I never judged her or tried to tell her how she should handle things. I have seen her turn on other people and be mean to them before in ways I couldn't understand, but I had always thought that we were too good of friends for her to treat me that way. For the past 6 months or so, there has been a few incidences of things she has done that have hurt my feelings or made me question what kind of person she is, but I tried to ignore them. This however, I can not. I am done.
Wouldn't most woman be a little upset or think it was weird if one of their friends told them they wanted to take their husband out for a drink and would rather them not be there? Who says that? And even if you thought it, who would have the balls to actually tell someone that as if it's no big deal at all?
To be honest, if we were all going out for drinks and something came up and I could not go, I would have no problem with the two of them going on without me. What I do have a problem with, is me asking if we could all go out for drinks together and her specifically telling me that she didn't want me to go. I was really wanted to spend time with her because I missed her. That was why I had texted her in the first place. Are you kidding me? Why would she think that wouldn't bother me? Am I totally off base here?
Then go on to question whether I let him go out enough or not. Why would she ever think in a million years that our marriage and how we operate it is any of her damn business anyway? Even if what she was saying WAS true, although it is very clearly not. And why wasn't she getting that I had no problem with him going out without me, that that had nothing to do with why I was upset? It was because she was specifically telling me that she didn't want me to go out with her and my husband while they went to get a drink and that she was talking shit about our relationship and what we do and saying things that were completely untrue. Didn't I spell that out for her... more then once?
I suppose now that we won't be hanging out with her, she will assume that I laid down the law or my "rule" and told Joe that he couldn't hang out with her anymore, when really why would a husband want to hang out with someone that would be so hurtful to his wife and say those sort of unfounded things about their relationship? What did she think was going to happen? What was she trying to accomplish? Did she think that I was eventually going to say, "You are right, I am being silly. Why don't you go ahead and take my husband out for a drink and I will stay home since you don't want me to come". Or that her shedding light on my grossly overlooked tyranny was going to make me take a step back and realize the error of my ways? Seriously... what was she thinking? And why would she even want to talk to her friend like that or treat me that way? How could she not think that everything she was saying was going to extremely hurt my feelings? Could she really be that off base herself, or did she just not care?
I just don't get it. At all. I hate to even feel this upset about anything or to get this mad at someone. I keep thinking about it and wondering if somehow I did something wrong and am not realizing it. But from any angle, I just can't find any fault of my own. Throughout the entire conversation, I tried to refrain from saying anything hurtful because I always try to avoid saying anything that I might have to apologize for later. There were so many things I wanted to say, but I held my tongue. But really, who does she think she is? Doesn't she realize that we are having this conversation about my husband and my marriage? She is clearly clueless of the sanctity that comes along with that and where the lines are drawn.
I just can't understand how a text, starting off with telling a friend that I missed her and wanted to hang out, had turned into something like this.