Bad Breath Assault, A Kidney Stone, and a Near Death Experience

Last Wednesday, I got a massage. I was so excited about it. I hadn’t had one in quite a while, and I definitely needed one. I had some major knots in my shoulders that really needed to be worked out. Everything started out okay... her name was Laurie and she was nice enough. She did a good job, but she was a little lacking in the “deep tissue” department. Oh well, I was just happy to be getting a massage. Then it came to the part towards the end when you lay on your back and she sits right behind your head and rubs your shoulders and underneath your back using your weight to help with the pressure.... and I noticed how terrible her breath was. I mean bad. Really really bad. She was clearly a smoker (I have nothing against smokers, I used to be one, but when you don’t smoke you don’t want someone that does breathing right into your mouth). And she definitely had something strong for lunch. Maybe even a hint of garlic? Her face was inches from mine and every breath she let out fell across my face and stung my nose. I tried to breathe through my mouth and time my breath with hers so that I was breathing in at the same time as her and my breath out would be in combat with hers. It was so hard to do... her breathing seemed sporadic and I couldn’t match her rhythm at all no matter how hard I tried. I had no idea how the massage was going or what she was doing, all I could focus on was avoiding her stank breath. I wonder if she noticed how awkward my breathing had become. I hope she knew why and chose to chew some gum or pop a mint before the next client. Thanks for ruining my massage with your dragon breath. Man was that disappointing.

Thursday morning Joe woke up with a strange pain in his side. He dropped the munchkin off at the sitter and since he couldn’t get in to see our regular doc, he went to the Urgent Care Center. He had a kidney stone. I would say that I felt terrible for him, but he wasn’t in much pain considering the source of the problem. Seeing as how I have had at least 15 of them myself, I was a little miffed how he could even drive at all. Each one has caused me to curl up in the fetal position writhing in pain, unable to continue with normal daily activities. If anything I was relieved and happy for him that his stone was obviously very small. Why can’t I get the itty bitty baby ones? He was still very uncomfortable, so I cancelled my movie plans with my sister and stayed home so that he could rest and wasn’t left alone with the munchkin.

Friday was interesting. The munchkin had a snotty nose for the second day in a row, so we decided not to send her to the sitter. I was pretty sure it was allergies or due to her teething or something, but I figured I would play it safe. I stayed home with her for the first half of the day, then Joe came home around 11:30 am and I headed into work. We had some strong storms coming through, but they seemed to have calmed down. It was another story after I arrived at the office. A monsoon moved in shortly after I arrived. The rain was pouring in on all sides. You might think I am exaggerating, but I assure you, I am not. There were streams of water three inches around pouring in from the windows and the water was rising fast. The streets had turned into rivers of water gushing past carrying tree limbs and branches and other debris. The lights were flickering and outlets were smoking. A strong smell of burning electrical wires was coming from the copier. What the what?! I work in a very old building... and you could definitely tell. Luckily the storm moved on as quickly as it came in and our boss sent us home early so he and his brothers could clean up the mess. I basically drove to work, followed by the storm, waded through the water trying not to get electrocuted, and then left. I was only there for an hour. I am still not sure if I am going to have to use my vacation time for this, or if we are getting paid since he sent me home early. Even though I arrived 3.5 hours late anyway. Hmmm.

I had to pick up diapers and wet wipes on the way home. But the store was closed due to the power being out. I had to drive 30 minutes out of my way to go to the other location (I buy her diapers and wipes in bulk at Sam’s). Then I had to stop at the grocery store to get supplies for the pizza I was making for dinner. By the time I got home, another wave of storms were starting to move in. I made the pizza (the almond flour crust was yummy!), and we cleaned up, played with the munchkin for a while and put her to bed. Joe and his friend were going to play golf that evening. Even though it was lightning outside, they felt they could still go to the driving range, as they would be under a roof. Twenty minutes after they left, the storm really started. It was like there were fireworks going on outside. The thunder seemed to shake the house and the rain was pounding on the roof. Then the tornado sirens started to go off. You would have thought they were in my back yard, the sound was deafening. I completely freaked out. I ran into the munchkin’s room, flipped on her light, grabbed her out of her crib, grabbed my purse and her diaper bag, ran down the stairs, and crawled into the little closet under the stairs in the basement.

Now what? Why didn’t I grab a blanket? I could have at least grabbed a binky?! Or something to entertain the munchkin. Obviously safety is more important, but seriously what were we going to do? How long was I going to have to sit under the stairs? The lights started to flicker, then they went out. Crap. I dug around in my purse and found my cell phone. I pushed a button to bring the light on. It was completely black other then the light from my phone. The munchkin seemed completely chill, which was amazing to me. I always figured if I had to wake her from a dead sleep and rush her to the basement that she was going to be pretty pissed about it. But on the contrary, she seemed pretty happy about it. Weird. I tried calling Joe. Nothing. I did get a hold of my mom. It was nice to at least talk to someone. She lives right down the street. They were in the basement too watching their TV to see what was going on. Then all of a sudden I realized I that it was completely silent. No sounds at all. No thunder, no rain, no nothing. My phone lost reception. I just knew it was the “calm before the storm”. They say that it becomes really silent right before a tornado hits you. I just knew that was what was happening. And I was FREAKING OUT.

Then the power started to come back on and I heard Joe walking through the house. “Joe?” “Laura, where are you?” “I’m under the stairs”. I was too afraid to move. He came down the steps and opened the closet door to find me and the munchkin huddled on the ground. “What are you doing in there?”, he asked me. “What do you mean?! I am hiding from the tornado!” What tornado?”

Apparently it had calmed down outside and even though he drove home in quite a bit of rain, he hadn’t seen any tornadoes. I put the munchkin back in her crib and shut the door. Having been fully awoken, she talked to herself for an hour before going back to sleep. The storms continued through the night, but never got as bad and the sirens never went off again. That was seriously scary and it took me several hours to recover.

Saturday I went to see Eat. Pray. Love. I went with my friend Sarah. I think I needed that after such a traumatic evening. Just to lose myself in a movie for a couple of hours. It was a great movie. That night Joe and I just stayed home and hung out. We watched an episode of Dexter and I went to bed kinda early. Sunday we went to a baby shower and then dinner at my girl Anna’s house. It was so nice to visit with her family and meet another couple that they are friends with. They made us all a delicious dinner and the munchkin had fun exploring their home and checking out all the new toys.

Now it is Monday and Joe starts back at school tonight. I have really enjoyed the summer break and am not quite ready for school to start again. We gotta do it though if we want to make our lives better later.

I hope everyone had a great weekend and has a great week!