Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year.... some advice from the teenage version of myself.

I finally finished packing the first room yesterday. I had started with my computer room. I came across a shoe box filled with old zip disks. Not even having a zip drive on my computer at home, I brought the shoe box into work today to see what was on some of them. I came across something I had written when I was in highschool and I thought I would share. It's funny how serious things seemed back then.... how clueless I was as to how much there was to come and how much I would go through before I would even realize myself. I don't remember now what inspired it, but it seemed appropriate for the New Year. And it made me grateful that I held out and took my own advice... (please excuse the typos and grammer, this was written over ten years ago)

Ultimate Happiness

I’m writing this in an attempt to put all of the happiness I’ve felt lately and all of the pain that I’ve rid myself of into words. Anyone that I choose to let read this, is someone that I love and care about and think that they deserve all of the happiness and love that I feel as well.

Let’s start off by asking ourselves a simple question. What do we deserve out of life? So often I look at my friends and those I love and everyone is settling for whatever they can get a hold of, and then looking no further. I myself was willing to settle for what I thought was all I could get out of life, not even realizing the possibilities and what it would feel like to reach what I call “My ultimate Happiness”. It is so hard to find even a good friend, so why do we settle so quickly for a life long mate, when we can go through friends like underwear? Because deep down inside everyone wants to be loved and everyone wants to give love. Once they feel that this is what they are sharing with someone, they feel their search is over. But until you really truly can look around you and realize that love is not just a feeling you share with a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, but a feeling you can share with every single person you come across on a day to day basis, can we only begin to imagine the possibilities if truly falling in love.

Can you imagine what that would feel like? To stand in that checkout lane at the grocery store and feel love towards the cashier? Of course that sounds silly, but if you love yourself so much and you are so incredibly happy with yourself and the way you are and the way you treat others, loving your checker just comes naturally. Only then can you imagine the love you could really feel and share with another person when you are truly “in love”.

Can you imagine meeting someone that can read your soul? Someone that can tell what your thinking by the way you twitched your nose when you thought of something? And of course you know all of their hopes and dreams and wish with everything that you have that they all come true for them simply because they have become apart of you, and their hopes and dreams are now yours as well, just like yours have becomes theirs. You know all of this about each other because you take every spare minute you have to learn as much about them as you possibly can because they fascinate you this much. You no longer have your own seperate little world, where so many of your thoughts and aspirations that you think on a daily basis go unheard and unsaid. You’ll have someone right there wanting to know, dying to know, what it is your thinking and hoping you’ll share.

This person will be someone who you can wake up in the morning next to everyday for the rest of your life, turn over towards them and look into their face with no regrets. You can look into their eyes and truly know you couldn’t possibly be any happier than this person has made you. Do you feel that kind of love with the person you are with now? Maybe you don’t think you deserve that kind of love. Maybe you’re just too scared. Scared of losing what you have and risking it all to find your own “Ultimate happiness”. That is where I think people lack love for themselves. If you are only settling for that common love that any human being can feel towards another, a love you can feel towards your dog as well, then you are only depriving yourself of all the happiness in the world.

Have you ever heard the saying about marriages with best friends work out the best? Well, if you have found someone who meets all the expectations of a “best friend” and who on top of that can share your most intimate moments with, then my friend, you have found someone worth holding on to! If the thought of calling this person names out of anger, or them doing the same to you, makes you want to cry, then there is someone you can consider your kindred spirit. It’s not about money, it’s not about your social status in society, or even about convenience. Never give up the rest of your life to someone because it’s convenient. It’s not fair to either person.

Everyone hears about all of the wonderful things they can feel when they are in love, but so little people believe in them and think that that kind of love is out there for them. It hurts me so much to see my friends in relationships where they are constantly getting hurt and hurting someone back as well. These are people that I love and care about and think that they deserve the same kind of love that I do. I can understand why they settle for this, because I almost settled for it too. How can you know there’s so much better out there for you when you haven’t seen it or touched it? Does the idea of being alone scare you so much, that it’s easier to compromise a little of your happiness to not have to be alone. My suggestion to all of those that feel this way is to step outside if your relationship and truly try to look at it from a outsiders point of view. Pretend you are your mother or father who always wants the best for you, and thinks you deserve only that. Do you know deep down in your heart that there is no one else who could make you any happier and that you could love anymore. Whenever you dreamed of falling in love and meeting that special someone that you would spend the rest of your life with, does the person you are with now meet all of those expectations?

If they don’t, maybe you can be content with what you have anyway. and if so you need not read any further. But if not, if you think you deserve better, you need to make up your mind to find better. And you need to start with loving yourself a lot more. I don’t mean to become conceited and think you are better than everyone, but you need to realize what you are worth and then you will get what you deserve. Try to talk to someone everyday, someone that you’ve never talked to before, learn things from others. Sometimes the best advice can be found in the most unexpected places. You’ll begin to feel better already, I promise. Suround yourself by your friends and people who truly love you and care about you, they will help you see what a wonderful person you are and help you realize that there is someone out there who can help you feel like this everyday for the rest of your life.

This isn’t meant to sound like advice for people who are depressed and hate themselves and their lives. But you’d be so surprised if you heard all of the conversations I’ve had lately with so many people, and how many of them do not even realize their own self worth. These are usually the ones who have settled for just a taste of happiness. Most people probably go their whole lives without ever really feeling true love. Some may say what they don’t know might hurt them. But I think that what they can learn can set them free. Who should be more responsible for your own happiness other than yourself? No one. No one can make you happier than you can. You are the one who chooses who you surround yourself with on a day to day basis. If you constantly keep going back to those who do not truly appreciate you and know how important you are and what a neat person you are, than of course you are not going to realize what you may truly mean to someone else and what you should mean to yourself! If you are a truly happy person and truly feel ultimate happiness with someone else than you have accomplished so much more than those who don’t even take the time to realize it’s out there.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Merry Christmas... hopefully next year will be better!

We seemed to be improving with the acid reflux but on Christmas day it decided to rear its ugly head again. We went to my parent's house christmas morning and everything was fine for the first couple of hours. She was laughing and smiling and she nursed fine at 11:00. She even laid down for a nap in my niece's crib. But when it came time for her to eat again, she started to get really upset and refused to eat, even though she was acting hungry. After a few more tries and lots of crying and fussing, we left my family early and took her home.

She still wouldn't eat there. Finally I fed her about 3.5 ounces with a medicine dropper and cuddled her up in our sling and she slept for a few hours. When she finally woke up I nursed her and she went to bed. I hoped that all of the excitement from Christmas had overstimulated her which can aggravate reflux. Hopefully she would be better again the next morning.

The night was our usual routine. She would wake up to nurse then straight to bed again. But this morning was different. She is always in a good mood in the morning. Even if she has a terrible day, atleast the morning is usually good. She woke up, nursed and before she was even finished she started crying. It was so sad. She looked at me with her sad little eyes, with her big tears rolling down her face and my heart ached for her. I waited till the doctor's office to opened at 8:30 and I set up an appointment for 11:00. We took turns holding her and walking her around. We couldn't make her pain go away but atleast we could let her know we were there for and we loved her.

Our usual doctor was off today so we saw one of his partner's . I asked him if we could switch her over to prevacid. My sister went through all kinds of medicines before they finally landed on this one with success. So he sent us home with some samples to get us through the next 15 days. He also suggested we give her a small dose of mylanta when she is in alot of pain. We are going to start her on her first dose of the prevacid tonight.

I feel so bad for her. It's obvious she is in alot of pain. I just hope this new medicine helps her. She seems to be good for about 2 weeks or so when we try something new, so we'll know in a couple of weeks if this is the one for her. Wish us luck.

On a side note. She has started taking naps in her crib. She took one Thursday and one today. She also took two naps in my neice's crib when we were at my mom's house for our christmas gathering. So hopefully she will be sleeping through the night in her crib once we move to the new place. I don't want to try until we get her acid reflux under control. I am sure she is much more comfortable sitting up a little for now.

We are moving in 2 weeks and I haven't packed a single item. You can see why I have been MIA. When I am not at work I am very busy with her and since I only work 4 hours a day, I am very busy when I am there as well.

I miss sleep. I miss relaxing. But even though I am exhausted and I feel like crap most of the time, I feel much worse for the little munchkin. I just want her to feel better and on a more permanent basis.

I hope everyone else had a better Christmas then us...

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Acid Reflux

I have been so out of the loop! Our internet was down for a week, then all hell broke loose with the munchkin, then I had to go back to work.... I couldn't keep up with my email.... I barely ever even turned my computer on. Things are finally settling down. I am starting to get back into the swing of things. Going back to work has been a huge adjustment. But it does make me feel like I am part of the world again.

About 2 weeks ago, the munchkin all but stopped eating. It was scary and I had no idea what was wrong. Every time I would try to feed her she would scream and cry. It was a Saturday when it all really started. She had been going longer between feedings (about 4 hours) for the last couple of days and then, after nursing normal during the night she decided to go the entire Saturday and only eat once. She went an 8 hour stretch the first half of the day, drank about 2 ounces from a bottle, and then 6 hours till she had another 4 ounces from a bottle and then we put her to bed. I kept trying to nurse her all day long and she wanted nothing to do with me. She was also super fussy and crabby all day. Then during the night she nursed same as usual as if nothing was wrong. I had called the nurses line for our doc's office on Saturday and the said if it didn't get any better to call back on Sunday. Sunday was pretty much the same thing, except maybe she would take a little more from a bottle here and there. I called the nurse's line again and they told me to take her to the ER. While we were at the hospital they checked her over from head to toe and told us everything was fine and she probably just had some off days. She also decided to nurse while we were there. They told us to just follow up with our doctor on Monday.

I was so worried about her. I knew this was something more then just a couple of "off days". What 11 week old refuses to eat for 8 hours during the day? She was clearly upset about something. It was hard to calm her down when she would get really worked up. I wasn't getting any sleep. I was constantly trying to get her to eat or calm her down or figure out what was wrong. And I didn't even have internet access so I could find information about what the problem might be. It was so frustrating!

Monday came and she started to nurse again. I was so relieved. She didn't seem to be eating near as much as usual though but I was glad that atleast she was nursing again and hoped it would get better. She was still fussy, but she seemed a little better. Tuesday morning came and she was crabbier then ever and wouldn't nurse again. I called the doctor's office and asked if we could come in to see him.

We went in to his office and I told him what had been going on. He immediately suggested acid reflux. Others had suggested this to us as well, but I didn't think that was the problem because once she would finally eat she seemed fine afterwards. I assumed they would be worse after they got done eating, not before. But it was definitely worth a shot. I left the office and went to pick up her meds as she screamed in the car then entire time. I thought I was going to lose it. I felt so bad for her. We gave her the first dose about 4:00 and by 10:00 she drank 4 ounces from a bottle and went to bed in what seemed like a pretty good mood. We started to think maybe this was the problem, but we didn't want to get our hopes up too much.

She nursed normally thoughout the night, but then again nothing had ever changed really changed about her night time routine. We woke up the next morning and she seemed to be in a much better mood. We gave her another dose of medicine and crossed our fingers. She started nursing every 3 hours and although she fussed a little before each feeding, she would still latch on pretty quickly and was much happier throughout the day. By the next day, it was as if we had a completely different baby on our hands. She was nursing great and seemed to much happier! She was giggling and cooing all the time. We could sit on the couch with her in our lap wide awake and just hang out. This was something we had never been able to do before! The only way she would hang out on the couch with us was if she was sleeping. Otherwise we had to be walking around with her, rocking her or bouncing her. She seemed so much more relaxed and calm.

So that was it all along. My poor baby had been in so much pain and the acid reflux medicine made her all better! Thank goodness cuz I was going back to work in a week and I had been really worried about her going to stay with Sarah. Plus the whole ordeal had forced us to give her a bottle pretty often and now she was much more comfortable taking one, which she would have to have ofcourse once she was at Sarah's house every day.

Yay! So I will save everything else for the next blog... she is started to get really bored in her floor play thingy and I better get her out. More to come....