“Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard.” ~ Dave Mustaine

So far so good. The munchkin still seems to be thriving since our switch to formula. She just seems so darn happy and content most of the time now. It really is amazing. Now if she would just start sleeping longer during the night... then we would have a really happy mamma too.

All of the forms have been filled out and sent off. Yesterday I had my blood drawn at the doctor's office and they mailed it off to the milk bank for me. So as long as everything checks out (and it should), then I will be shipping my milk to the bank by the end of the week or early next week. The sooner, the better. We ran out of room in the container I had for it in the deep freezer and now it is overflowing. I have bags of milk all over the place.

Weaning myself off of nursing has gone a little better then I thought. I waited till it was extremely uncomfortable and then I would pump 2 oz from each side. I went from 37 oz the first day of doing this, down to 4 oz yesterday. I only had to pump once! As of right now, I haven't pumped since 9pm yesterday and I feel totally fine. So now when it becomes very full again, I will just pump 1 oz. from each side. I don't see myself pumping anymore after the next few days. It is nice not having to pump at work anymore. I really hated pumping in the yucky bathroom.

I know I am doing what is best for the munchkin. She is happier and obviously feeling better. I know I tried my best and gave her 5 months of breastmilk, none of which was easy at any point. I know all of this, yet I am still so sad that we are no longer breastfeeding. I only have a very very small handful of friends that I can talk to that understand how I feel... I think only a mom who has breastfed can relate. To some, it seems silly to be so attached to something that was so challenging and difficult, especially with the option to switch to something that is so much easier and obviously makes her much happier. I am not sure why I am having such a hard time. Even as I type this, I can't help but tear up and feel the sadness wash over me.

As soon as I found out I was pregnant, whether or not to breastfeed was never really a question. I knew I would and I was very excited about it. It seemed so natural and beautiful to me. I knew it was what was best for her and only I, her mother, could give her that gift. I anticipated having some difficulties, but I was sure I could work through anything. I started attending La Leche League meetings early on to arm myself with a support group and resources. From the beginning, we had many difficulties, from latching issues, to nipple confusion, to an extreme oversupply. Whenever we nursed I leaked milk everywhere. I had to lay down towels all around us to try to catch it, but it finally calmed down. I could barely leave the house with her for the first 2 months because of these issues. But we worked through all of it. And as soon as things really started to feel relaxed, like we had finally figured it all out, her reflux started to show up.

Nursing (or taking a bottle) during the day was always a struggle. But at night, when things were calm and relaxed, and she was more comfortable eating, she would often nurse without any trouble at all. I will treasure those memories forever. They were such sweet moments and I can't help but feel sadness and miss them already. In those moments, I felt such a bond and connection with her. Every night, I wished more then anything that she would feel better and that we could nurse like this all the time. I would scoop her up and bring her to her glider with me. She would nestle in and lay her little hand on top of my chest. She would gently pat me with her hand and close her eyes. Sometimes she would open them up just long enough to look up and smile at me. She would let out a sigh of contentment and her whole body would be relaxed and cozy as she would curl her little body around me.

I wanted to nurse her for atleast a year. I am realizing, more then ever with the birth of a child, that things rarely go as planned. We can plan and prepare and want things, but everything is up in the air. I do not feel any guilt, as I really believe I tried as hard as I could. And I could have attempted to do more, change my diet or try other medications, but it would inevitably prolong her pain as well. Getting her feeling better and eating well as soon as possible was my top priority always.

I think that once I am done pumping completely, and my breastmilk is shipped off to the milk bank and out of the house, I can better put this behind me and move on. I feel the loss of something that I know is now gone forever. Something that was very special and very dear to me. It helps to know it will nourish another little life out there. I just feel so emotional about it all and I am ready to leave that part behind and just enjoy my baby. She has moved on and is happier then ever... I just need to join her.

It will not go to waste after all!

Yesterday I received a call from the milk bank in Indianapolis. I am so excited to report that I will be donating my milk to them! They are building up a stock to send to Haiti and I will be able to help feed some of the little hungry babies there. After an initial phone screening, they emailed me all the forms to fill out and mail back. I have to go to my doctor and to the munchkin's doc to have them sign off on some health papers. They are also sending me a blood kit that I have to take to my doctor to have him draw blood and send back to the milk bank. Then they will send me some UPS freezer boxes to ship the milk to them. They pay for and take care of everything. I have an appointment set up with my doctor on Monday to have them sign my papers and draw my blood. I am going by the pediatrician's office today to have them sign off on her. If all goes well, I should be sending my first batch of milk off next week! I will probably have enough more to send another batch by the time I am completely done pumping. It's going to take a while to get these puppies to stop producing milk!

I can not describe the relief I feel not having to just throw away all of my milk, and instead being able to use it towards a very good cause.

In other news... the munchkin has discovered her love for eating! I can't believe how much she loves this new formula! She is eating a 4 oz bottle almost every two hours. Every now and then she will stop at 2 oz, but she usually finishes most of the bottle every time. And she will yell for it and let me know she is hungry and as soon as I stick that bottle in her mouth, she is just as happy as can be. I guess she is making up for lost time. She is going through diapers like crazy! I have never seen her like this... it is so amazing to see her enjoying eating instead of being miserable from it.

She has also been in such a good mood. Don't get me wrong, she has still been a crabby baby here and there, but it's a different kind of crabby. It's normal baby crabby... not "I am in pain, somebody help me!".... I will take the new crabby any day. She is smiling way more, laughing and playing more and just all around being more content.

I am crossing my fingers and hoping this is what she needs and things continue to get better. I have thought things were better each time we switched to a new medicine only to find out a couple of weeks later that it wasn't. But this is the best she has ever been. And she has never eaten so much! A big appetite always seems like a really good sign to me.

Things are looking up...

We are on our second day of formula now and things are going pretty good. She's been really tired and a little cranky, but I think that is just from her body adjusting to this completely new diet. She has been a little more gassy then usual. And her poop.... wow.... formula poop is definitely ALOT stinkier! I can actually smell the formula in her poop. It is so nasty. But she hasn't been stiffening up and screaming in pain at all since we started her on it, and for that I am starting to become very hopeful. I find it sadly ironic that the food I was working so hard to provide for her, is what may have been causing her reflux to become so painful.

Last night she slept better then she has in a very long time. She had a 4 oz bottle at 10:45 and then went straight to bed. She woke up at 3:30 and had almost another 4 oz bottle, then fell right back to sleep. Then she woke up at 7:30 and had another 2 oz. Then I laid her back down to sleep while I went to pump and get ready. I came back in to wake her around 8 and she was in such a good mood! She was talking up a storm and laughing and smiling with me. I am hoping that today is a good day for her.

On a side note: Has anyone had problems with their baby getting hungry and if you take too long to feed them (like 10-15 minutes after they want it), they will get really upset and worked up and then it is hard to feed them at all? We have always had this issue since the beginning. Her reflux medicine has to be given on an empty stomach atleast 15-20 minutes before she eats. Last night she decided she was hungry a few minutes after I gave her her medicine, so I had to make her wait. She got so pissed off, that by the time I could give her a bottle, she had worked herself up so much that she wouldn't eat. I had to take her into her bedroom, turn off the lights, rock her, make a sushing noise in her ear (this has always helped to calm her down), and then give her her bottle. Then she would finally eat. It took me a while to try this though, because I haven't had to do it since she was really little. But back then it only took a few minutes of her waiting to get that worked up. I would always have to take her into a dark room and rock her, making the sushing noise in her ear so that she would calm down enough to eat. Just curious if anyone else has ever had similar issues....

If formula ends up being our solution (and it looks like it is), I am looking forward to not having to pump anymore. Freeing up the time it takes me to keep all of the pump parts and bottles clean alone will be pretty wonderful. And to not have to pump in the yucky bathroom at work... I have been pumping during the day and bottle feeding her, while nursing at night for a while now. (We had another issue with her only eating a little bit at a time all day, which caused her to only get formilk, which caused her to have green foamy poop, which caused her to have a horrible diaper rash. By pumping and giving her bottles this corrected the problem, because she wasn't getting a milk inbalance every time she ate). I have really built up my supply while doing this. I have over 100 bags stored in the deep freeze, ranging from 4-8 oz each. It will be really sad when I have to throw them all away. Yesterday I decided to only pump when I became uncomfortably full and even then I didn't empty my breasts all the way. I ended up pumping 4 times and I still ended up with 35 oz at then end of the day. It feels like such a horrible waste.

It's not going to be easy to stop my breasts from making milk. My plan is to keep waiting till they get uncomfortably full and pumping out enough to make them soft again, but not empty. I hope that, eventually, they will slow down their production until I can only pump a couple of times a day, then once.... then stop. This morning I woke up and pumped 10 oz, then I stopped even though they still felt really full. Its only been 2 hours and I am already starting to feel uncomfortable again. Did I mention I have had an oversupply from the beginning?

“I'm trying as hard as I can, and sometimes things don't go your way, and that's the way things go." ~Tiger Woods

I think the munchkin and I have come to the end of our breastfeeding journey. Just when I thought her most recent acid reflux medication was helping, it started to flare up again last week and by the weekend she was barely eating and either crying or sleeping most of the time.

By Sunday I had to do something drastic. I woke her up and tried to nurse her. She didn't want to eat. Throughout the morning, I was able to get her to drink about 2 oz before I had to leave at 11:30 to get my hair done. When she gets this bad, the only time she will eat is right after she wakes up, when she is the most relaxed and her bowels and everything are all relaxed as well. But even trying to feed her immediately after her naps wasn't working either. After I left the house to head to my appointment, my husband called me even before I got there. He said she had been screaming and crying ever since I left. I wanted to cancel my appointment and come right back home, I even offered too, but then decided against it. I told him to pack her up and take her to his moms where they could hang out with his mom and sister (who had ALOT of experience with an acid reflux baby). With everything going on, I hadn't been able to get my hair done since right after the munchkin was born. My 4.5 mos hooker roots were causing me to not even want to leave the house. I had to get them fixed!

My hair dresser, who also happens to be my friend, and who also had a baby with very similar issues, told me how switching him to formula was their saving grace. And that he had actually had a protein issue and needed special formula with already digested proteins. They too, thought it was reflux and kept trying meds that would work for a while, only to fall back into the same issues in a couple of weeks.

I haven't been blogging much with everything going on, but if I had you would know how hard this has all been on our little family. I have tried taking probiotics (which actually seemed to help for about a week), we have had her on 3 different medications now) all of which seemed to fix it for 2-3 weeks), I have tried cutting out anything spicy or anything tomato based (the things that made my reflux unbearable while I was pregnant) and nothing seemed to help her or fix the problem. I had been considering taking out dairy from my diet and this was going to be my next step.

But I wanted something sooner, and more for her sake then mine. It killed me to see her rejecting food and once she would get hungry enough, and after eating only a little bit, she would stiffen up in pain after only a small amount. Her legs would straighten out and her face would turn all red, the big tears would roll down her face and she would look at me with a plea in her eyes that would beg me to make the pain go away. I just couldn't bare it any longer.

So on my way home, I stopped at the store and picked up a small can of formula. I felt heavy as I walked up to the isle, but if this could possibly make her feel better sooner, then it was worth a shot. I chose the Enfamil Lipil Gentlease, which claimed to "Help reduce your baby's digestive troubles with the formula that's closer to breast milk than any soy-based formula." It has "Easy-to-digest proteins that have been partially broken down". Ofcourse it was also one of the most expensive ones, but again if it would help... then it was worth every penny.

After Joe got home with the munchkin, we mixed up a bottle of it. I stuck it in her mouth and she was immediately turned off by it. She wanted nothing to do with it. So I tried mixing it 1/2 and 1/2 with breastmilk... still nothing. I tried 1/4 formula, 3/4 breastmilk. She still wanted nothing to do with it. All the while she screamed and cried. I got her to take a nap, and tried feeding her right when she woke up. She would take a little in her mouth and spit it right back out. So I opened up the lid and took a whif. No wonder! I immediately gagged. I could only imagine what it must taste like! If they claimed to make it similar to breastmilk, why did it smell like old spoiled milk?

Finally around 7:00 and just after another nap, I tried another bottle of straight formula. Apparantly she was hungry enough, because she started to drink it. Then after she realized that it wasn't hurting her belly, she chugged down the entire 4 oz and would have probably eaten more. I decided to leave it at that for now. She had only eaten breastmilk up until this point, and I didn't want to shock her system too much. After she was done though, she seemed happy and.... well really comfortable. She played for a while and even sat contently in her Bumbo chair and played with some toys while Joe and I hung a picture and I did a few things around the house. I kept waiting for her to freak out, but she didn't. She fell asleep in her little travel swing and woke up around 10pm to down another 4 oz of formula. I couldn't believe it! I took her up to bed and laid her in her crib to sleep. She fell asleep pretty quickly (only had to go in a couple of times to re-insert her binky), and we didn't hear a peep from her till about 12:30 when she drank another 3 oz. Around 2:30 am she woke up and I went in to check on her. I didn't think she could really be hungry again so I moved her to her swing (we haven't fully gotten her into the crib yet) and she fell back asleep. She slept soundly till around 6:30. I made her another bottle, but she wasn't hungry so I just changed her diaper and gave her her binky back. She fell right back asleep. Then around 8am this morning I woke her. She was still sleeping soundly but I had to get her up and ready so the hubs could take her to the sitter. She was still in such a good mood this morning, I could barely believe it. She wasn't ready to eat anything yet, but she seemed totally content and happy.

I know it's been less then 24 hours, but so far.... things seem so much better already. She has been waking to nurse every 2-3 hours during the night for months because it's so much easier for her to eat without as much discomfort during the night vs. the day. By the time the morning came my boobs were so full, I pumped 13 oz. I could have pumped even more, but I stopped there. I am going to continue pumping as if she was still breastfeeding for now until I figure out for sure if this is really what we are going to do.... but so far it looks like we may be switching her to formula for now.

I had every intention of breastfeeding her for atleast the first year, but I guess even the best of intentions don't work out if it really isn't what is best for the baby. But it has been one issue after another since the beginning. I tried hard and I really gave it alot of effort... I believe most people would have given up long ago. We made it almost 5 mos, and I keep telling myself that is still a very good start. I have to admit, if this ends up working out better for her, I am not going to mind all the freedom I am going to suddenly have from not breastfeeding. But I will miss the closeness I feel when she is nursing. I know you can feel a bond from bottle feeding too, but it isn't the same. I wish I had known the other morning it might be the last time she was going to nurse, but then again I may have cried the whole time and it would have ended up just being really sad instead.

So her sitter has informed me that she has been in a pretty good mood so far today. She hasn't been eating alot, but just snacking here and there. I am crossing my fingers that things continue to go well. Above everything else, I don't want to see my baby in pain anymore!

Merry Christmas... hopefully next year will be better!

We seemed to be improving with the acid reflux but on Christmas day it decided to rear its ugly head again. We went to my parent's house christmas morning and everything was fine for the first couple of hours. She was laughing and smiling and she nursed fine at 11:00. She even laid down for a nap in my niece's crib. But when it came time for her to eat again, she started to get really upset and refused to eat, even though she was acting hungry. After a few more tries and lots of crying and fussing, we left my family early and took her home.

She still wouldn't eat there. Finally I fed her about 3.5 ounces with a medicine dropper and cuddled her up in our sling and she slept for a few hours. When she finally woke up I nursed her and she went to bed. I hoped that all of the excitement from Christmas had overstimulated her which can aggravate reflux. Hopefully she would be better again the next morning.

The night was our usual routine. She would wake up to nurse then straight to bed again. But this morning was different. She is always in a good mood in the morning. Even if she has a terrible day, atleast the morning is usually good. She woke up, nursed and before she was even finished she started crying. It was so sad. She looked at me with her sad little eyes, with her big tears rolling down her face and my heart ached for her. I waited till the doctor's office to opened at 8:30 and I set up an appointment for 11:00. We took turns holding her and walking her around. We couldn't make her pain go away but atleast we could let her know we were there for and we loved her.

Our usual doctor was off today so we saw one of his partner's . I asked him if we could switch her over to prevacid. My sister went through all kinds of medicines before they finally landed on this one with success. So he sent us home with some samples to get us through the next 15 days. He also suggested we give her a small dose of mylanta when she is in alot of pain. We are going to start her on her first dose of the prevacid tonight.

I feel so bad for her. It's obvious she is in alot of pain. I just hope this new medicine helps her. She seems to be good for about 2 weeks or so when we try something new, so we'll know in a couple of weeks if this is the one for her. Wish us luck.

On a side note. She has started taking naps in her crib. She took one Thursday and one today. She also took two naps in my neice's crib when we were at my mom's house for our christmas gathering. So hopefully she will be sleeping through the night in her crib once we move to the new place. I don't want to try until we get her acid reflux under control. I am sure she is much more comfortable sitting up a little for now.

We are moving in 2 weeks and I haven't packed a single item. You can see why I have been MIA. When I am not at work I am very busy with her and since I only work 4 hours a day, I am very busy when I am there as well.

I miss sleep. I miss relaxing. But even though I am exhausted and I feel like crap most of the time, I feel much worse for the little munchkin. I just want her to feel better and on a more permanent basis.

I hope everyone else had a better Christmas then us...

Acid Reflux

I have been so out of the loop! Our internet was down for a week, then all hell broke loose with the munchkin, then I had to go back to work.... I couldn't keep up with my email.... I barely ever even turned my computer on. Things are finally settling down. I am starting to get back into the swing of things. Going back to work has been a huge adjustment. But it does make me feel like I am part of the world again.

About 2 weeks ago, the munchkin all but stopped eating. It was scary and I had no idea what was wrong. Every time I would try to feed her she would scream and cry. It was a Saturday when it all really started. She had been going longer between feedings (about 4 hours) for the last couple of days and then, after nursing normal during the night she decided to go the entire Saturday and only eat once. She went an 8 hour stretch the first half of the day, drank about 2 ounces from a bottle, and then 6 hours till she had another 4 ounces from a bottle and then we put her to bed. I kept trying to nurse her all day long and she wanted nothing to do with me. She was also super fussy and crabby all day. Then during the night she nursed same as usual as if nothing was wrong. I had called the nurses line for our doc's office on Saturday and the said if it didn't get any better to call back on Sunday. Sunday was pretty much the same thing, except maybe she would take a little more from a bottle here and there. I called the nurse's line again and they told me to take her to the ER. While we were at the hospital they checked her over from head to toe and told us everything was fine and she probably just had some off days. She also decided to nurse while we were there. They told us to just follow up with our doctor on Monday.

I was so worried about her. I knew this was something more then just a couple of "off days". What 11 week old refuses to eat for 8 hours during the day? She was clearly upset about something. It was hard to calm her down when she would get really worked up. I wasn't getting any sleep. I was constantly trying to get her to eat or calm her down or figure out what was wrong. And I didn't even have internet access so I could find information about what the problem might be. It was so frustrating!

Monday came and she started to nurse again. I was so relieved. She didn't seem to be eating near as much as usual though but I was glad that atleast she was nursing again and hoped it would get better. She was still fussy, but she seemed a little better. Tuesday morning came and she was crabbier then ever and wouldn't nurse again. I called the doctor's office and asked if we could come in to see him.

We went in to his office and I told him what had been going on. He immediately suggested acid reflux. Others had suggested this to us as well, but I didn't think that was the problem because once she would finally eat she seemed fine afterwards. I assumed they would be worse after they got done eating, not before. But it was definitely worth a shot. I left the office and went to pick up her meds as she screamed in the car then entire time. I thought I was going to lose it. I felt so bad for her. We gave her the first dose about 4:00 and by 10:00 she drank 4 ounces from a bottle and went to bed in what seemed like a pretty good mood. We started to think maybe this was the problem, but we didn't want to get our hopes up too much.

She nursed normally thoughout the night, but then again nothing had ever changed really changed about her night time routine. We woke up the next morning and she seemed to be in a much better mood. We gave her another dose of medicine and crossed our fingers. She started nursing every 3 hours and although she fussed a little before each feeding, she would still latch on pretty quickly and was much happier throughout the day. By the next day, it was as if we had a completely different baby on our hands. She was nursing great and seemed to much happier! She was giggling and cooing all the time. We could sit on the couch with her in our lap wide awake and just hang out. This was something we had never been able to do before! The only way she would hang out on the couch with us was if she was sleeping. Otherwise we had to be walking around with her, rocking her or bouncing her. She seemed so much more relaxed and calm.

So that was it all along. My poor baby had been in so much pain and the acid reflux medicine made her all better! Thank goodness cuz I was going back to work in a week and I had been really worried about her going to stay with Sarah. Plus the whole ordeal had forced us to give her a bottle pretty often and now she was much more comfortable taking one, which she would have to have ofcourse once she was at Sarah's house every day.

Yay! So I will save everything else for the next blog... she is started to get really bored in her floor play thingy and I better get her out. More to come....

I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection. ~ Billy Joel

I am exhausted. I am confused. I am worried. I feel sad.

Yesterday started out great. The munchkin was in such a good mood. She was sleeping well, nursing well and giving out lots of smiles and giggles. Then in the afternoon, my mother came by. She was filling out an application for a job and then we were going for a drive to drop it off. When we were ready to leave, baby was napping and would most likely want to nurse in about an hour. I didn't know if it was a great idea to pack her up just then, messing with her schedule can sometimes really throw her off. I figured she could fall asleep in the car and if we had too, I could also nurse her in the car. I was sure we would be back within in an hour anyway, so it was probably not a big deal.

As soon as we left, she started crying and it wasn't easy to calm her down. She slept half the time and cried the other half. By the time we got back home, she seemed exhausted. I put her back in her swing so she could sleep for a while before eating. When it was about that time (around 3:30), I woke her up and changed her diaper. She was wide awake now and starting to fuss, so I sat down with her to nurse. She started crying and fussing ALOT and I was hoping she was just really tired still and would latch on after a while. She didn't. She seemed very upset with even the idea of it. So I decided to stop trying and wait until she let me know she was hungry. She went back to sleep and woke up after a couple of hours. She still wasn't acting hungry. After SIX HOURS had gone by, I decided to stop waiting and try again (it was now around 6:30). Finally, after putting up quite a fuss, she finally latched on and nursed. What a relief.

She slept a little more and we played with her a little more. She was a little fussy, but she was in a really playful mood part of the time too. Around 9:30, Joe put her in her Pajamas while I got everything else ready. I laid down in the bed to nurse her and she started crying really hard again. After trying for about 10 minutes to get her to nurse, I finally gave up and up put her in her swing to go to bed. I didn't want to try to force her and cause her to have bad feelings towards breastfeeding. She quickly stopped crying and fell asleep. I couldn't understand how she couldn't be hungry. Especially since she went six hours before her last nursing.

Around 11:30 she woke up crying and was acting like she was hungry. I brought her into the bed to nurse her. She started crying more and acting like she didn't want to nurse, but after about 5 minutes she finally latched on. Throughout the night she nursed two more times but not without putting up a fuss for several minutes first. This morning she woke about 8:00 acting like she was hungry (3 hours after her last nursing). I brought her into the bed again. She starting crying even more and acting extremely upset. After about 5 minutes, I picked her up and rocked her until she stopped crying, then I put her back into her swing. I didn't know what else to do. I can't force her to eat and even if I tried, this would only make matters worse. The last thing I wanted was for her to become scared of breastfeeding. After I laid her down, she fell back asleep and so did I.

Then around 9:00 she woke up again with hunger cries. I brought her into the bed with me to try nursing her again. I brought her towards me and she started crying harder. Her face became red and tears started running down her cheeks. She was so upset! I picked her up, rocked her, she calmed down and I changed her diaper. I know babies love skin to skin contact, so I stripped her down to her diaper, and pulled up my tank top. I layed in the bed and just cuddled with her for a while. She was smiling and giggling. I didn't know what to think. How could she not be starving by now? I brought her towards me to try again. She started crying again. I tried different positions. By now I was crying too. After about 30 minutes (from the time she woke up), she finally latched on. I sank into the bed with relief. She finished eating and acting as if everything was back to normal again.

This morning, I decided to try to keep her extra close to me and cuddle with her as much as possible. I was dreading the next time we would nurse. I was so exhausted. I hadn't slept well at all, with worry about what was going on. It seemed as if she felt fine. She didn't appear to be in any pain. She didn't seem like she had lots of gas or that she was having any problems nursing once she did finally latch on. She was still having a good amount of dirty diapers. I was completely clueless.

I decided to stop feeding her every 3 hours and try waiting until she acted hungry. Nursing had been going great for the last couple of weeks. I would bring her to me to nurse every three hours (or sooner if she acted like she was hungry) and then I would let her go as long as she wanted during the night. Maybe she didn't need to eat every 3 hours anymore? Every baby is different. Maybe she was getting bigger and was able to go longer between nursings. Maybe she was trying to tell me that every 3 hours was too much and to just wait until she was ready for me. So I waited. After 3.5 hours she was in a deep sleep. It was around 12:30 and Joe had come home for lunch to make us grilled cheese and tomato soup. So I set her down on her boppy lounger right next to me and started to eat. She woke up and began to route her tongue around and open her mouth, signaling that she was hungry. I scooped her up right away and brought her to the couch with me to nurse. She started to cry again but then after less then a minute, she latched on. I was so relieved.

I just hope it doesn't go on much longer, or that we have too many episodes like the one this morning that brought me to tears. I have never had a such an awful feeling of rejection then when it is from my own baby. It's hard to not feel like it's your fault, that you've done something wrong or that she doesn't want you. When it comes to their nourishment, and how important that is, it's not taken lightly. When they are refusing to nurse, it is scary and you worry that they are not getting what they need. I try to look at the facts. She is not acting like she is starving. She has plenty of poopy diapers. She seems content while she is nursing and after. So she must be still getting what she needs. So I am hoping that things are just changing a little for right now. She doesn't need to nurse as often at this moment and I just need to be patient and try to figure out what she is trying to tell me.

She is now sleeping peacefully and I have no idea what to expect the next time we nurse. Has anyone else ever experienced anything like this? Nothing has changed in my diet and no new products have been introduced. I have read about nursing strikes, but this doesn't seem to be what is going on. Thank goodness she is still nursing, even if it takes alot of encouragement. Once she finally latches on, she seems totally content and relaxed. Maybe it is getting better already.

Like everything else that seems really hard at the time, maybe this will pass quickly as well.

Acid, Butt Covers and the Weekend... Oh My!

My throat is on fire!! I have been getting acid reflux. Bad. From what I understand this is one of the most common things that pregnant woman go through, and I had read there was a good chance I would suffer from it as well. But having never experienced acid reflux or heart burn before in my life, I had no idea how awful it could be. I have been getting it since early on in my pregnancy, but the last two days have been just awful. I feel like my entire esophogas is on fire!

I am having ice cream for lunch today because it feels good and the concern for my growing ass is being outweighed by the burning acid in my throat.

The Tums I have been using so far are no longer cutting it for me. I have been reading online about all of the different medications you can take while you are pregnant. I'd really like to pick up some Pepcid AC, but with all of the differences in opinion on what is safe and what isn't, I would really like to talk to my doctor about it first. But it's Good Friday, so they have shut down their office. Arg.

I realize that alot of it has to do with diet, so I have researched that as well. But sometimes, it can get really bad, no matter what I eat.

I ordered a bed wedge online a few weeks ago and that helps alot at night. I was literally having to try to sleep sitting up. Every time I would fall deeper into sleep I would slide down into the bed and the burning sensation would wake me right back up again.

I guess I will just have to suffer through the weekend until I talk to my doctor on Monday.

I am 19 weeks today. Only 10 more days until we find out of there's a little boy or girl growing inside me. I am so excited to find out!

I have finally decided what I am going to use to cover the baby's bum once they arrive! I have been researching cloth vs. disposable diapers since I was pregnant the first time over the summer. I loved the idea of using cloth diapers for obvious reasons like the environment and a chemical-free material touching my baby's booty, but I was also worried about the convenience of them and how well they would win over my hubby and anyone that was babysitting for me. One diaper that I kept gravitating towards was the gDiaper. They almost seemed to be the best of both worlds. The cloth diaper outside could be used through several changes before being washed, while the liner on the inside was disposable. You can flush it right down the toilet or just throw it away, but no matter what you do it is reabsorbed by the planet in a neutral or beneficial way. And the diaper designes are soooo cute!

I was still undecided and was continuing my research until recently. My best bud Anrazel over at Companion to the Wind has a little baby of her own and she has recently started trying out cloth diapers on him. She bought some used ones on Craigslist that ended up not working for her. They were either not cared for properly by their previous owner, or they just weren't a good fit for some reason, but they leaked constantly. She then decided to try out gDiapers. Yay!! And so far she is really liking them. Its so nice to actually know someone else first hand that is using them with success. And Babies "R" Us sells them in their stores, so I can actually register them for my baby showers! So my mind is made up and I have finally settled on a plan. Whew! One less thing to worry about. Here's some pics of some cute gDiaper bums.




Tonight I am headed out to visit with Anrazel and her adorable little baby boy. Her mom is in town and I haven't seen her in a while, so it will be fun to catch up. Tomorrow I am taking my niece Aubrey to a big Easter Egg Hunt! I am really excited to have some time with her away from everyone else... I think she is going to have a blast and I can't wait to post the pictures. It's been raining the past two days, so hopefully it won't be too muddy tomorrow. Sunday we are heading over to my grandparents house for lunch. My parents, my sisters and their hubbies will all be there so I am looking forward to that.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!