6 Months Old, 8 Hours of Sleep, and a Boat Load of Breast Milk!

Today is the munchkin's 6 month birthday! I can't believe it! What a difference just a few weeks make when they are this age. She is becoming so much more interactive and so curious about the world around her. I am going to make a separate post all about her and what she has going on in her world at 6 months. I will work on that later on today.

Last night I gave the munchkin a bottle at 8:30 pm and then put her to bed. I couldn't believe it when I woke up and looked at the clock at 4:00 am and she was still sleeping! At first I thought Joe must have given her a bottle before he went to bed while I was asleep. I looked in the bathroom and saw all of the bottles still sitting there clean and ready to go, along with a full formula dispenser, so I knew he hadn't. I usually give her a 6 oz bottle before bed and then 4 oz bottles throughout the night, but I figured since she was still sleeping, I would give her another 6 oz bottle when she woke up. It's kinda crazy how somehow a mother's body just seems to know what is going to happen before it does, because since I had woken up right before her, around 4:20 she woke up and I already had everything ready to go.

She was on her belly and crying really hard by the time I got in there. I didn't know if rolling over had woken her up, or if rolling over had kept her asleep for so long and she was just finally waking up because she was starving. She scarfed down the entire 6 ounces and would have probably eaten more had it been in there. I laid her down in her crib and went back to bed. I woke up at 8:00 am and she was still sound asleep. So I got dressed and ready to go and about 8:20 I went in to to wake her up. She was sleeping soundly on her belly! So I guess she has discovered she likes sleeping on her belly and hopefully (I'm not counting on it) she will start sleeping longer stretches now. The last couple of weeks, she has been rolling over onto her belly and she would wake up screaming because she didn't want to be there and couldn't get back. We had to go in there and roll her back onto her back so she could go back to sleep. Joe and I were so excited this morning. I can't believe she slept that long... that is a record. The only time she came even close to that was 7 hours when she was about a month old, but she has never gotten even close since then. I gotta tell ya, I felt pretty good this morning!

Then to add to my good mood, I had an email this morning from the milk bank in Indiana. I wanted to share some of the emails back and forth between us from the last 2 days.

Hi Dane!

I shipped all of my milk out to you guys on Saturday, Feb 27th. It took me a while to ship it because I had to find a place that sold dry ice and figure out how to go buy it and ship it all in the same day. I just wanted to make sure you guys got it and make sure it got there okay. Is there any way I could find out what the final amount was and a receipt for that?

Thank you!
Laura

Laura,

Thank you so much! We did receive your shipment - all 875 ounces of it! It was in great condition... so great job!

I have attached a letterhead stating how much you donated. Let me know if this works.

Thanks!
Dane

Wow! I had no idea it was that much.... that is fantastic. I was hoping around 600.... but 875!!! Holy Cow! I am so glad that it arrived in great condition, that is so wonderful to hear. It makes me feel better about having to stop breastfeeding to know that it will help feed another baby.

The letter you sent should work just fine. Thank you for sending it.

Thanks for all your help!
Laura

Laura,

Yeah - you had a LOT of milk. Some of your milk has actually already been pasteurized and is being distributed to NICUs throughout the Midwest. You are most definitely helping many other babies with your gift.

If you need anything else, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Thanks
Dane

I broke down and cried after I found out that it all got there safely and there were 875 ounces! A sense of relief washed over me knowing it arrived there in good condition. I still can't say exactly why, but for some reason that milk just meant so very much to me. I really was very sad to have to stop breastfeeding the munchkin. But it does help to know that because of our efforts, another little life will be nourished. Donating my milk was a great way to help me to move forward and to somehow feel good about it all. I can't even imagine how much harder it would have been on me if I had no other option then to just throw it all away.

And just an FYI, I can't actually get a tax deduction for my donated breastmilk, but you can get some credit for all of your supplies (e.g. milk bags and pump) along with your time. I don't think I will actually bother with it, but I wanted the letter just incase.

"Today Was a Good Day" ~ Ice Cube

My 100th Post!!

Wow... the big 100th post!! I imagine this would have happened a long time ago, but then the munchkin arrived....

I have really been neglecting my blog. Things have been going so good lately that its hard to break away and blog. But today, the hubs picked up munchkin from the sitter and took her to a friends house. This was totally unexpected, so I have nothing planned. I thought... why not post a blog!

Last Saturday, I finally packed up all of my breastmilk and shipped it off to the milk bank. It took me a while because I had to find a place that sells dry ice first, and then once I bought it, I had to ship it all the same day. I finally tracked down a pharmacy close to my house and got it all taken care. I am also feeling so much better about not breastfeeding any more. She has been thriving and feeling so much better... it's hard to not feel really good about that and that has kinda cancelled out the sadness I felt from having to stop breastfeeding.

We are pretty much settled into our new place. Everything is unpacked and put away. I am so glad that we are renting, because I am already ready to find a new place! It's also lucky we only have a 6 month lease, because I might not even make it a year. I am going to try though. I might hate moving just enough to keep me here longer. Our new place is okay, but now that munchkin is going to a new sitter in a new area, there really isn't any reason for us to have to stay this far west from everything else, like our family and friends, my job and our new sitter. We really aren't that far, but I wouldn't mind living a little closer. I also have been feeling super claustrophobic in this place. It could just be the winter too, so that might get better as spring time moves in.



The munchkin is growing like a weed! She started sitting up on her own in the last week! I still have to be close by to catch her when she falls over, but she is started to go really long stretches before she does. It's amazing the difference just a couple of months makes. She is getting really good with her hands and is really into her toys now and ofcourse she has to stick everything in her mouth. She is so happy most of the time. She seems to smile with her whole face and I am just so happy and relieved that she finally gets to experience life with out all of the accompanying pain that she had for most of her first 4 months.

Here we are enjoying one of our Wednesdays together at my mom's house. I no longer work on Wednesdays and I am really loving being able to hang out with her all day.



She gets so excited about things now. And when she does she shakes her whole face back and forth like she's saying no really fast and opens her mouth really wide. Its hilarious. She loves yelling at her toys. I wish I knew what it is that she is trying so hard to get through to them! Joe and I dance around the room and sing with her all the time. She gets so excited and starts kicking her feet really fast. Any time she starts getting crabby, if we scoop her up and start dancing around the room she instantly starts laughing and smiling and kicking her feet around. Our sitter's little boy named her Happy Feet because she is constantly kicking her feet around when she is happy and excited... which is alot.

She has been hanging out with her cousin alot. The are getting closer and closer in size. Munchkin is still so much taller though. But they are really starting to look like they are related. We always lay them together on the floor. Sometimes they kick or hit each other accidentally... but this time they seemed to finally really notice each other and they both seemed really interested! It was too cute.




Sunday we are having her 6 month photo shoot. I can't believe she is going to be six months old on the 9th! Time really is going by fast.

Joe and I, as a couple, are doing really good considering. Its so hard with him working full time and going to school 3 nights in a row. I hardly seem him at all on those days. He also spends alot of the rest of his time doing his homework along with his paperwork for his job. So I sometimes feel like a single parent... and it can be overwhelming to rarely get a break. Someday, it will all be worth it though... we just have to keep telling ourselves that. We have found a groove that seems to be working for us, so far so good.

Well the family will be home soon and I am going to try to get a few things done before they do. I will try to check back in soon and I will definitely post her new pics after we get them taken on Sunday!

“Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard.” ~ Dave Mustaine

So far so good. The munchkin still seems to be thriving since our switch to formula. She just seems so darn happy and content most of the time now. It really is amazing. Now if she would just start sleeping longer during the night... then we would have a really happy mamma too.

All of the forms have been filled out and sent off. Yesterday I had my blood drawn at the doctor's office and they mailed it off to the milk bank for me. So as long as everything checks out (and it should), then I will be shipping my milk to the bank by the end of the week or early next week. The sooner, the better. We ran out of room in the container I had for it in the deep freezer and now it is overflowing. I have bags of milk all over the place.

Weaning myself off of nursing has gone a little better then I thought. I waited till it was extremely uncomfortable and then I would pump 2 oz from each side. I went from 37 oz the first day of doing this, down to 4 oz yesterday. I only had to pump once! As of right now, I haven't pumped since 9pm yesterday and I feel totally fine. So now when it becomes very full again, I will just pump 1 oz. from each side. I don't see myself pumping anymore after the next few days. It is nice not having to pump at work anymore. I really hated pumping in the yucky bathroom.

I know I am doing what is best for the munchkin. She is happier and obviously feeling better. I know I tried my best and gave her 5 months of breastmilk, none of which was easy at any point. I know all of this, yet I am still so sad that we are no longer breastfeeding. I only have a very very small handful of friends that I can talk to that understand how I feel... I think only a mom who has breastfed can relate. To some, it seems silly to be so attached to something that was so challenging and difficult, especially with the option to switch to something that is so much easier and obviously makes her much happier. I am not sure why I am having such a hard time. Even as I type this, I can't help but tear up and feel the sadness wash over me.

As soon as I found out I was pregnant, whether or not to breastfeed was never really a question. I knew I would and I was very excited about it. It seemed so natural and beautiful to me. I knew it was what was best for her and only I, her mother, could give her that gift. I anticipated having some difficulties, but I was sure I could work through anything. I started attending La Leche League meetings early on to arm myself with a support group and resources. From the beginning, we had many difficulties, from latching issues, to nipple confusion, to an extreme oversupply. Whenever we nursed I leaked milk everywhere. I had to lay down towels all around us to try to catch it, but it finally calmed down. I could barely leave the house with her for the first 2 months because of these issues. But we worked through all of it. And as soon as things really started to feel relaxed, like we had finally figured it all out, her reflux started to show up.

Nursing (or taking a bottle) during the day was always a struggle. But at night, when things were calm and relaxed, and she was more comfortable eating, she would often nurse without any trouble at all. I will treasure those memories forever. They were such sweet moments and I can't help but feel sadness and miss them already. In those moments, I felt such a bond and connection with her. Every night, I wished more then anything that she would feel better and that we could nurse like this all the time. I would scoop her up and bring her to her glider with me. She would nestle in and lay her little hand on top of my chest. She would gently pat me with her hand and close her eyes. Sometimes she would open them up just long enough to look up and smile at me. She would let out a sigh of contentment and her whole body would be relaxed and cozy as she would curl her little body around me.

I wanted to nurse her for atleast a year. I am realizing, more then ever with the birth of a child, that things rarely go as planned. We can plan and prepare and want things, but everything is up in the air. I do not feel any guilt, as I really believe I tried as hard as I could. And I could have attempted to do more, change my diet or try other medications, but it would inevitably prolong her pain as well. Getting her feeling better and eating well as soon as possible was my top priority always.

I think that once I am done pumping completely, and my breastmilk is shipped off to the milk bank and out of the house, I can better put this behind me and move on. I feel the loss of something that I know is now gone forever. Something that was very special and very dear to me. It helps to know it will nourish another little life out there. I just feel so emotional about it all and I am ready to leave that part behind and just enjoy my baby. She has moved on and is happier then ever... I just need to join her.

It will not go to waste after all!

Yesterday I received a call from the milk bank in Indianapolis. I am so excited to report that I will be donating my milk to them! They are building up a stock to send to Haiti and I will be able to help feed some of the little hungry babies there. After an initial phone screening, they emailed me all the forms to fill out and mail back. I have to go to my doctor and to the munchkin's doc to have them sign off on some health papers. They are also sending me a blood kit that I have to take to my doctor to have him draw blood and send back to the milk bank. Then they will send me some UPS freezer boxes to ship the milk to them. They pay for and take care of everything. I have an appointment set up with my doctor on Monday to have them sign my papers and draw my blood. I am going by the pediatrician's office today to have them sign off on her. If all goes well, I should be sending my first batch of milk off next week! I will probably have enough more to send another batch by the time I am completely done pumping. It's going to take a while to get these puppies to stop producing milk!

I can not describe the relief I feel not having to just throw away all of my milk, and instead being able to use it towards a very good cause.

In other news... the munchkin has discovered her love for eating! I can't believe how much she loves this new formula! She is eating a 4 oz bottle almost every two hours. Every now and then she will stop at 2 oz, but she usually finishes most of the bottle every time. And she will yell for it and let me know she is hungry and as soon as I stick that bottle in her mouth, she is just as happy as can be. I guess she is making up for lost time. She is going through diapers like crazy! I have never seen her like this... it is so amazing to see her enjoying eating instead of being miserable from it.

She has also been in such a good mood. Don't get me wrong, she has still been a crabby baby here and there, but it's a different kind of crabby. It's normal baby crabby... not "I am in pain, somebody help me!".... I will take the new crabby any day. She is smiling way more, laughing and playing more and just all around being more content.

I am crossing my fingers and hoping this is what she needs and things continue to get better. I have thought things were better each time we switched to a new medicine only to find out a couple of weeks later that it wasn't. But this is the best she has ever been. And she has never eaten so much! A big appetite always seems like a really good sign to me.

Donating Breast Milk

The idea of wasting all of my breastmilk has been weighing on me very heavily. I have been looking into donating my milk to a milk bank. With the crisis in Haiti, they are asking for donations for the little babies there. I found this online today:

URGENT CALL FOR HUMAN MILK DONATIONS FOR HAITI INFANTS

The Human Milk Banking Association of North America (HMBANA), United States Breastfeeding Committee (USBC), International Lactation Consultant
Association/United States Lactation Consultant Association (ILCA/USLCA), and La Leche League International (LLLI) are jointly issuing an urgent call for human milk donations for premature infants in Haiti, as well as sick and premature infants in the United States.

This week the first shipment of human milk from mothers in the United States will be shipped to the U.S. Navy Ship *Comfort* stationed outside Haiti. *Comfort* is currently set up with a neonatal intensive care unit and medical personnel to provide urgent care to victims of the earthquake. An International Board Certified Lactation Consultant stationed at the U.S. Navy base in Bethesda, MD is assisting with providing breast pump equipment and supplies to the *Comfort.* Dr. Erika Beard-Irvine, pediatric neonatologist, is on board the *Comfort* to coordinate distribution of the milk to infants in need.
HMBANA, USBC, ILCA/USLCA, and LLL are responding to requests to provide
milk for both premature infants and at-risk mothers who have recently delivered babies on board the U.S.N.S. Comfort, but an urgent need exists
for additional donations.

At the current time, the infrastructure to deliver human milk on land to Haiti infants has not yet been established. As soon as that infrastructure is in place, additional donations will be provided to older infants.

Mothers who are willing to donate human milk should contact their regional Mothers* Milk Bank of HMBANA. A list of regional milk banks is available at the HMBANA website at www.hmbana.org.
Currently milk banks are already low on donor milk. New milk donations will be used for both Haiti victims as well as to replenish donor supplies to continue to serve sick and premature infants in the U.S. Donor milk provides unique protection for fragile preterm infants. Financial donations are also strongly encouraged to allow HMBANA, a nonprofit organization, to continue serving infants in need.

UNICEF, the World Health Organization, the Emergency Nutrition Network, and medical professionals all recommend that breastfeeding and human milk be used for infants in disasters or emergencies. Human milk is life-saving due to its disease prevention properties. It is safe, clean, and does not depend on water which is often unavailable or contaminated in an emergency. Relief workers, health care providers, and other volunteers are urged to
provide support for breastfeeding mothers to enable them to continue breastfeeding, and to assist pregnant and postpartum women in initiating and sustaining breastfeeding.

For more information, contact HMBANA at 408-998-4550 or www.hmbana.org. Additional information can be provided from the United States Breastfeeding Committee at 202-367-1132 (www.usbreastfeeding.org), ILCA/USLCA at 1-800-452-2478 (www.ilca.org or
www.uslca.org), or La Leche League at 847-519-7730 (www.llli.org).

This morning I sent an email to the closest milk bank I could find to my home.

I have recently found out that I will no longer be able to breastfeed my baby. She has extremely bad acid reflux and possibly some other issues and we have had to put her on special formula to help her. She is almost 5 mos old and I have been having a difficult time giving up breastfeeding. I am still pumping to slowly stop my breasts from producing milk, as I have always had an oversupply and discontinuing to breastfeed is probably going to be a long process for me. While nursing her however, I have been able to freeze and store over 400oz of breastmilk. It could be alot more, but it is atleast that much. I have about 100 bags saved that range from 4 - 8 oz each (most of them are around 4). I am a very healthy, nonsmoking, 30 year old woman. I have had a couple of glasses of wine since my baby was born, but other then that I haven't consumed any alcohol, and as far as any drugs or medication, I have taken a tylenol hear and there for a headache. We bought a deep freezer just so that we could more safely store the milk for a longer period of time. Most of the bags are all within a month old, the oldest being under two months. I researched and followed all proper guidelines for safely storing them. The idea of throwing away all my breastmilk is heartwrenching to me, with all of the hungry babies out there, and most recently all of the little babies in Haiti.

After researching online, it seems that your bank is the closest location to my home in Missouri. I live about 45 minutes west of St. Louis. I was wondering if there was anything I could do as far as donating my milk. My sister and brother in law will be traveling to Indianapolis in the beginning of March and have offered to bring it to your bank if you would take it. Please let me know.

My friend Toni has offered to take a road trip with me to Indianapolis where the bank is located. Most likely it will require me to take the milk myself as they will probably want to do blood tests to make sure that I am clean and healthy. The idea of being able to share my milk with a baby in need, makes me feel so much better then just wasting it all.

Things are looking up...

We are on our second day of formula now and things are going pretty good. She's been really tired and a little cranky, but I think that is just from her body adjusting to this completely new diet. She has been a little more gassy then usual. And her poop.... wow.... formula poop is definitely ALOT stinkier! I can actually smell the formula in her poop. It is so nasty. But she hasn't been stiffening up and screaming in pain at all since we started her on it, and for that I am starting to become very hopeful. I find it sadly ironic that the food I was working so hard to provide for her, is what may have been causing her reflux to become so painful.

Last night she slept better then she has in a very long time. She had a 4 oz bottle at 10:45 and then went straight to bed. She woke up at 3:30 and had almost another 4 oz bottle, then fell right back to sleep. Then she woke up at 7:30 and had another 2 oz. Then I laid her back down to sleep while I went to pump and get ready. I came back in to wake her around 8 and she was in such a good mood! She was talking up a storm and laughing and smiling with me. I am hoping that today is a good day for her.

On a side note: Has anyone had problems with their baby getting hungry and if you take too long to feed them (like 10-15 minutes after they want it), they will get really upset and worked up and then it is hard to feed them at all? We have always had this issue since the beginning. Her reflux medicine has to be given on an empty stomach atleast 15-20 minutes before she eats. Last night she decided she was hungry a few minutes after I gave her her medicine, so I had to make her wait. She got so pissed off, that by the time I could give her a bottle, she had worked herself up so much that she wouldn't eat. I had to take her into her bedroom, turn off the lights, rock her, make a sushing noise in her ear (this has always helped to calm her down), and then give her her bottle. Then she would finally eat. It took me a while to try this though, because I haven't had to do it since she was really little. But back then it only took a few minutes of her waiting to get that worked up. I would always have to take her into a dark room and rock her, making the sushing noise in her ear so that she would calm down enough to eat. Just curious if anyone else has ever had similar issues....

If formula ends up being our solution (and it looks like it is), I am looking forward to not having to pump anymore. Freeing up the time it takes me to keep all of the pump parts and bottles clean alone will be pretty wonderful. And to not have to pump in the yucky bathroom at work... I have been pumping during the day and bottle feeding her, while nursing at night for a while now. (We had another issue with her only eating a little bit at a time all day, which caused her to only get formilk, which caused her to have green foamy poop, which caused her to have a horrible diaper rash. By pumping and giving her bottles this corrected the problem, because she wasn't getting a milk inbalance every time she ate). I have really built up my supply while doing this. I have over 100 bags stored in the deep freeze, ranging from 4-8 oz each. It will be really sad when I have to throw them all away. Yesterday I decided to only pump when I became uncomfortably full and even then I didn't empty my breasts all the way. I ended up pumping 4 times and I still ended up with 35 oz at then end of the day. It feels like such a horrible waste.

It's not going to be easy to stop my breasts from making milk. My plan is to keep waiting till they get uncomfortably full and pumping out enough to make them soft again, but not empty. I hope that, eventually, they will slow down their production until I can only pump a couple of times a day, then once.... then stop. This morning I woke up and pumped 10 oz, then I stopped even though they still felt really full. Its only been 2 hours and I am already starting to feel uncomfortable again. Did I mention I have had an oversupply from the beginning?

“I'm trying as hard as I can, and sometimes things don't go your way, and that's the way things go." ~Tiger Woods

I think the munchkin and I have come to the end of our breastfeeding journey. Just when I thought her most recent acid reflux medication was helping, it started to flare up again last week and by the weekend she was barely eating and either crying or sleeping most of the time.

By Sunday I had to do something drastic. I woke her up and tried to nurse her. She didn't want to eat. Throughout the morning, I was able to get her to drink about 2 oz before I had to leave at 11:30 to get my hair done. When she gets this bad, the only time she will eat is right after she wakes up, when she is the most relaxed and her bowels and everything are all relaxed as well. But even trying to feed her immediately after her naps wasn't working either. After I left the house to head to my appointment, my husband called me even before I got there. He said she had been screaming and crying ever since I left. I wanted to cancel my appointment and come right back home, I even offered too, but then decided against it. I told him to pack her up and take her to his moms where they could hang out with his mom and sister (who had ALOT of experience with an acid reflux baby). With everything going on, I hadn't been able to get my hair done since right after the munchkin was born. My 4.5 mos hooker roots were causing me to not even want to leave the house. I had to get them fixed!

My hair dresser, who also happens to be my friend, and who also had a baby with very similar issues, told me how switching him to formula was their saving grace. And that he had actually had a protein issue and needed special formula with already digested proteins. They too, thought it was reflux and kept trying meds that would work for a while, only to fall back into the same issues in a couple of weeks.

I haven't been blogging much with everything going on, but if I had you would know how hard this has all been on our little family. I have tried taking probiotics (which actually seemed to help for about a week), we have had her on 3 different medications now) all of which seemed to fix it for 2-3 weeks), I have tried cutting out anything spicy or anything tomato based (the things that made my reflux unbearable while I was pregnant) and nothing seemed to help her or fix the problem. I had been considering taking out dairy from my diet and this was going to be my next step.

But I wanted something sooner, and more for her sake then mine. It killed me to see her rejecting food and once she would get hungry enough, and after eating only a little bit, she would stiffen up in pain after only a small amount. Her legs would straighten out and her face would turn all red, the big tears would roll down her face and she would look at me with a plea in her eyes that would beg me to make the pain go away. I just couldn't bare it any longer.

So on my way home, I stopped at the store and picked up a small can of formula. I felt heavy as I walked up to the isle, but if this could possibly make her feel better sooner, then it was worth a shot. I chose the Enfamil Lipil Gentlease, which claimed to "Help reduce your baby's digestive troubles with the formula that's closer to breast milk than any soy-based formula." It has "Easy-to-digest proteins that have been partially broken down". Ofcourse it was also one of the most expensive ones, but again if it would help... then it was worth every penny.

After Joe got home with the munchkin, we mixed up a bottle of it. I stuck it in her mouth and she was immediately turned off by it. She wanted nothing to do with it. So I tried mixing it 1/2 and 1/2 with breastmilk... still nothing. I tried 1/4 formula, 3/4 breastmilk. She still wanted nothing to do with it. All the while she screamed and cried. I got her to take a nap, and tried feeding her right when she woke up. She would take a little in her mouth and spit it right back out. So I opened up the lid and took a whif. No wonder! I immediately gagged. I could only imagine what it must taste like! If they claimed to make it similar to breastmilk, why did it smell like old spoiled milk?

Finally around 7:00 and just after another nap, I tried another bottle of straight formula. Apparantly she was hungry enough, because she started to drink it. Then after she realized that it wasn't hurting her belly, she chugged down the entire 4 oz and would have probably eaten more. I decided to leave it at that for now. She had only eaten breastmilk up until this point, and I didn't want to shock her system too much. After she was done though, she seemed happy and.... well really comfortable. She played for a while and even sat contently in her Bumbo chair and played with some toys while Joe and I hung a picture and I did a few things around the house. I kept waiting for her to freak out, but she didn't. She fell asleep in her little travel swing and woke up around 10pm to down another 4 oz of formula. I couldn't believe it! I took her up to bed and laid her in her crib to sleep. She fell asleep pretty quickly (only had to go in a couple of times to re-insert her binky), and we didn't hear a peep from her till about 12:30 when she drank another 3 oz. Around 2:30 am she woke up and I went in to check on her. I didn't think she could really be hungry again so I moved her to her swing (we haven't fully gotten her into the crib yet) and she fell back asleep. She slept soundly till around 6:30. I made her another bottle, but she wasn't hungry so I just changed her diaper and gave her her binky back. She fell right back asleep. Then around 8am this morning I woke her. She was still sleeping soundly but I had to get her up and ready so the hubs could take her to the sitter. She was still in such a good mood this morning, I could barely believe it. She wasn't ready to eat anything yet, but she seemed totally content and happy.

I know it's been less then 24 hours, but so far.... things seem so much better already. She has been waking to nurse every 2-3 hours during the night for months because it's so much easier for her to eat without as much discomfort during the night vs. the day. By the time the morning came my boobs were so full, I pumped 13 oz. I could have pumped even more, but I stopped there. I am going to continue pumping as if she was still breastfeeding for now until I figure out for sure if this is really what we are going to do.... but so far it looks like we may be switching her to formula for now.

I had every intention of breastfeeding her for atleast the first year, but I guess even the best of intentions don't work out if it really isn't what is best for the baby. But it has been one issue after another since the beginning. I tried hard and I really gave it alot of effort... I believe most people would have given up long ago. We made it almost 5 mos, and I keep telling myself that is still a very good start. I have to admit, if this ends up working out better for her, I am not going to mind all the freedom I am going to suddenly have from not breastfeeding. But I will miss the closeness I feel when she is nursing. I know you can feel a bond from bottle feeding too, but it isn't the same. I wish I had known the other morning it might be the last time she was going to nurse, but then again I may have cried the whole time and it would have ended up just being really sad instead.

So her sitter has informed me that she has been in a pretty good mood so far today. She hasn't been eating alot, but just snacking here and there. I am crossing my fingers that things continue to go well. Above everything else, I don't want to see my baby in pain anymore!

2 months old and 2 mos doc visit

The munchkin was 2 mos old yesterday! Can you believe it? I can't! The time really is flying by. She is getting so big. She is now holding things with her hands (like the little rattle below that my friend Anna's grandma made for her). She is making great eye contact and following things with her eyes. She giggles and smiles and coos all the time. She really is a happy baby. Unless ofcourse she's hungry, or tired or needs her diaper changed... or if she's just crabby.


She is eating every 2-3 hours (sometimes less or more) and goes for longer stretches at night. We usually put her down between 8:30 and 9:30 and she will sleep for around 5 hours. Then she will sleep for 3-4, then another 3-4. When she wakes up to nurse, we are usually finished and back to bed within 15 minutes. She is such a fast eater! Sometimes there is a diaper change in there too and when we are done, I lay her back in her swing and she goes right back to sleep on her own. She is still sleeping in her swing at night. We did talk to the pediatrician about it today and he thought it was just fine. She sleeps in her sling for her naps during the day. She usually takes 2-3 and they last for an hour or two. She doesn't sleep as well in her swing anymore for her naps (although she still does here and there), which is just fine with me.

Breastfeeding is going so much better. I am not sure what was the issue when I wrote my last post. But it has seemed to work itself out. I have been trying to read her signs more and feed her as soon as she acts hungry. I think we are both getting to know each other better and that is helping alot. I still have ALOT of milk, but even that is getting better as well.

I can't help but stare at her when she's sleeping. I know this time is going to pass so quickly and this time will be a foggy memory before I know it. I am trying to take it all in.

Yesterday was also her cousin's 2 week birthday. Their great grandparents came over for a visit.

We got the two together for their birthday pictures. They are best buds already.




Finally they had enough. I guess they weren't ready to be so close yet.

She loved this sling so much I had to send it home with my sister who didn't have one. We had 3 different ones, so I guess we can share.


Today we took her for her 2 month doctor visit. We recently switched doctors, I don't recall if I had mentioned that or not. Long story short, her other doctor was giving us a hard time about spreading out the shots and I wasn't happy with her at all. We love the new doctor! I handed them the vaccine schedule I wanted to follow and they didn't even blink. Infact, they acted like it was completely fine and normal routine for them. It was so nice to not be looked at and scolded as if I was being a pain or some kind of idiot. With the new vaccine schedule, we have to make more trips to the doctor's office, but for me it's worth it. It makes me feel a little bit better about giving them to her.

So here are her stats:

Weight: 12 lbs, 80 percentile
Length: 23 3/4", 92 percentile
Head Circumference: 15 3/4, 81 percentile

She is growing great! And she is tall:) Doesn't surprise me, since her dad is 6'4". She got one shot and an oral vaccination. She was pretty pissed at first, but then she seemed okay. She fell asleep instantly as soon as we left. She has been a little fussy tonight so I gave her some infant tylenol and now she is sleeping.

I can't believe I am going back to work in 3 weeks. Time has flown by. I started my maternity leave about a week before she was born, so I will have been home for a total of 13 weeks. It sure doesn't feel like it. Hopefully then I will have more things to talk about then just being a mom. It's hard to think about much else though right now, when it's all I do every day. I am really sad about not being able to be with her all day every day, but at the same time, I am also looking forward to getting out of the house every day and getting some adult time too. If I could afford to, I wouldn't work, but atleast she is going to be staying with someone who I trust completely and know she will be loved and well taken care of. If not, I would be freaking out alot more!

I better go... time to get started on some dinner!

I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection. ~ Billy Joel

I am exhausted. I am confused. I am worried. I feel sad.

Yesterday started out great. The munchkin was in such a good mood. She was sleeping well, nursing well and giving out lots of smiles and giggles. Then in the afternoon, my mother came by. She was filling out an application for a job and then we were going for a drive to drop it off. When we were ready to leave, baby was napping and would most likely want to nurse in about an hour. I didn't know if it was a great idea to pack her up just then, messing with her schedule can sometimes really throw her off. I figured she could fall asleep in the car and if we had too, I could also nurse her in the car. I was sure we would be back within in an hour anyway, so it was probably not a big deal.

As soon as we left, she started crying and it wasn't easy to calm her down. She slept half the time and cried the other half. By the time we got back home, she seemed exhausted. I put her back in her swing so she could sleep for a while before eating. When it was about that time (around 3:30), I woke her up and changed her diaper. She was wide awake now and starting to fuss, so I sat down with her to nurse. She started crying and fussing ALOT and I was hoping she was just really tired still and would latch on after a while. She didn't. She seemed very upset with even the idea of it. So I decided to stop trying and wait until she let me know she was hungry. She went back to sleep and woke up after a couple of hours. She still wasn't acting hungry. After SIX HOURS had gone by, I decided to stop waiting and try again (it was now around 6:30). Finally, after putting up quite a fuss, she finally latched on and nursed. What a relief.

She slept a little more and we played with her a little more. She was a little fussy, but she was in a really playful mood part of the time too. Around 9:30, Joe put her in her Pajamas while I got everything else ready. I laid down in the bed to nurse her and she started crying really hard again. After trying for about 10 minutes to get her to nurse, I finally gave up and up put her in her swing to go to bed. I didn't want to try to force her and cause her to have bad feelings towards breastfeeding. She quickly stopped crying and fell asleep. I couldn't understand how she couldn't be hungry. Especially since she went six hours before her last nursing.

Around 11:30 she woke up crying and was acting like she was hungry. I brought her into the bed to nurse her. She started crying more and acting like she didn't want to nurse, but after about 5 minutes she finally latched on. Throughout the night she nursed two more times but not without putting up a fuss for several minutes first. This morning she woke about 8:00 acting like she was hungry (3 hours after her last nursing). I brought her into the bed again. She starting crying even more and acting extremely upset. After about 5 minutes, I picked her up and rocked her until she stopped crying, then I put her back into her swing. I didn't know what else to do. I can't force her to eat and even if I tried, this would only make matters worse. The last thing I wanted was for her to become scared of breastfeeding. After I laid her down, she fell back asleep and so did I.

Then around 9:00 she woke up again with hunger cries. I brought her into the bed with me to try nursing her again. I brought her towards me and she started crying harder. Her face became red and tears started running down her cheeks. She was so upset! I picked her up, rocked her, she calmed down and I changed her diaper. I know babies love skin to skin contact, so I stripped her down to her diaper, and pulled up my tank top. I layed in the bed and just cuddled with her for a while. She was smiling and giggling. I didn't know what to think. How could she not be starving by now? I brought her towards me to try again. She started crying again. I tried different positions. By now I was crying too. After about 30 minutes (from the time she woke up), she finally latched on. I sank into the bed with relief. She finished eating and acting as if everything was back to normal again.

This morning, I decided to try to keep her extra close to me and cuddle with her as much as possible. I was dreading the next time we would nurse. I was so exhausted. I hadn't slept well at all, with worry about what was going on. It seemed as if she felt fine. She didn't appear to be in any pain. She didn't seem like she had lots of gas or that she was having any problems nursing once she did finally latch on. She was still having a good amount of dirty diapers. I was completely clueless.

I decided to stop feeding her every 3 hours and try waiting until she acted hungry. Nursing had been going great for the last couple of weeks. I would bring her to me to nurse every three hours (or sooner if she acted like she was hungry) and then I would let her go as long as she wanted during the night. Maybe she didn't need to eat every 3 hours anymore? Every baby is different. Maybe she was getting bigger and was able to go longer between nursings. Maybe she was trying to tell me that every 3 hours was too much and to just wait until she was ready for me. So I waited. After 3.5 hours she was in a deep sleep. It was around 12:30 and Joe had come home for lunch to make us grilled cheese and tomato soup. So I set her down on her boppy lounger right next to me and started to eat. She woke up and began to route her tongue around and open her mouth, signaling that she was hungry. I scooped her up right away and brought her to the couch with me to nurse. She started to cry again but then after less then a minute, she latched on. I was so relieved.

I just hope it doesn't go on much longer, or that we have too many episodes like the one this morning that brought me to tears. I have never had a such an awful feeling of rejection then when it is from my own baby. It's hard to not feel like it's your fault, that you've done something wrong or that she doesn't want you. When it comes to their nourishment, and how important that is, it's not taken lightly. When they are refusing to nurse, it is scary and you worry that they are not getting what they need. I try to look at the facts. She is not acting like she is starving. She has plenty of poopy diapers. She seems content while she is nursing and after. So she must be still getting what she needs. So I am hoping that things are just changing a little for right now. She doesn't need to nurse as often at this moment and I just need to be patient and try to figure out what she is trying to tell me.

She is now sleeping peacefully and I have no idea what to expect the next time we nurse. Has anyone else ever experienced anything like this? Nothing has changed in my diet and no new products have been introduced. I have read about nursing strikes, but this doesn't seem to be what is going on. Thank goodness she is still nursing, even if it takes alot of encouragement. Once she finally latches on, she seems totally content and relaxed. Maybe it is getting better already.

Like everything else that seems really hard at the time, maybe this will pass quickly as well.

Sleeping

Last night I finally was able to get some decent sleep.

The little munchkin hasn't been sleeping well, so ofcourse, I haven't either. It would go something like this. At bed time each night, I would nurse her, burp her, swaddle her and then spend about 20 - 30 minutes to rock her to sleep. Then 30 to 60 minutes she would wake up again and couldn't put herself back to sleep so I would have to spend 20 - 30 minutes putting her back to sleep again and so on until it was time to nurser her and then we would do this over and over again till morning. It takes me a while to fall asleep after she does, so I would only get aobut 15 - 45 minutes of sleep before she would wake up again.

I did a little research about infant sleep patterns. I was getting so frustrated and I wasn't able to figure out why she kept waking up and couldn't fall back to sleep on her own. Apparantly when they first fall asleep, they are in a light sleep pattern that lasts about 20 minutes, then they go into a deep sleep pattern. After about an hour, they go back into a light sleep pattern in which some stay asleep, some will wake and fall back asleep and some will wake and need to be put back to sleep in the same way they are put to sleep in the first place. Once I would hear her start to wake in her light sleep pattern I would try to follow some of the suggestions I found. I would stick her binky back in her mouth (we recently gave her the binky back and it has been working out great this time), I would rub her belly, or sing her a lullaby. Nothing would help. She would wake up every time and would only go back to sleep if I would pick her up and rock her.

So last night I decided we were go to try co-sleeping in the bed. I have been very nervous to try this because I wasn't sure there was enough room in our queen size bed for all three of us and even though I am sure I would wake up very easily any time she did or if anything was wrong, I still wasn't sure it was entirely safe. But every morning after Joe leaves for work, I bring her into the bed with me and after nursing we would both fall asleep for a couple more hours. She always sleeps so well and just really seems to enjoy being so close to me while she is sleeping. We set up the bed to be a little safer for her to join us and had everything set.

The last few nursings last night she would start to cry and act like her tummy was hurting her really bad. I figured it had to be something I ate and I am pretty sure it was the pizza we had. By the time we went to bed, it wasn't any better and she was really upset (screaming) when I would lay her down flat. We were all exhausted, I felt so bad for her and I wasn't sure what to do, so I brought her swing into our bedroom, strapped her in and set it to the highest incline. She was practically sitting straight up. As soon as I set her in it, she calmed right down and passed out. She slept for four hours. Then she woke up to nurse and I put her right back in her swing and she slept for another three. Then the same thing again and another three hours of sleep. It was so nice to be able to just wake up, nurse her, maybe change a diaper and then right back to bed. I was in heaven! I don't know how long this will work, but for now the swing will be coming to bed with us and rocking her to sleep (and keeping her asleep) for me. Yay!!

I can't believe how much she loves that damn swing. Often during the day, I will try to cuddle up on the couch with her. She will start to fuss and cry and after trying everything I can think of, nursing her, rocking her, changing her diaper, walking around with her, the only thing that that she wants is to just sit in her swing. Some mothers will try to get their baby to hang out in a swing while they can get things done or just have some time to their selves and their babies will have nothing to do with it, but it seems we are kind of the opposite. I will try to keep her really close to me, wear her in my sling and sleep right next to her, but sometimes she is just happier in her swing. I suppose I shouldn't complain though, atleast now I am getting so sleep.

Update: Here we are 2 days later and we are getting lots of sleep! I am only nursing 1 or 2 times during the middle of the night and the rest of the time we are sleeping. I am so relieved. I am not sure how it's going to work out, keeping her in her swing all night. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Happy Birthday Little Munchkin!

The little munchkin is 1 month old today! Everyone talks about how fast time flies by when you have a baby. They were not lying. It's crazy how fast the time flies. I was also told that as hard as breastfeeding is, things would usually work themselves out and we would get the hang of it after about a month or so. I wasn't sure how that could ever happen, but much to my relief, it seems that we are doing just that. We still have some things to work out, but looking back at those first couple of weeks, things are significantly better.

The nights are getting a little easier. She is going atleast 3 hours between eating. This makes for longer stretches of sleep for me, but it also makes for more uncomfortable boobies. Sometimes she will go over four hours and I get so engorged, I am almost tempted to wake her up to nurse. But I try to endure it, hoping that things will adjust.

I am still nervous about nursing outside of the house. I went to a La Leche League meeting on Tuesday night. I took baby with me and Anna also met us there for some moral support. It was nice to get out of the house and to take her with me, but she slept the entire time and we weren't able to get any practice nursing. That's okay though, because the meetings are in a community room at a hospital and it would have been pretty uncomfortable nursing there anyway. It's just a bunch of tables and chairs. I brought our boppy just incase, but I'm glad we didn't need to use it. I think I would rather start out somewhere more comfortable, like at a friend or family member's house. I am thinking next week, we might drive out to Anna's house and hang out with her for a while. It will be a better place to start. I am still making a bit of a mess with all my over abundance of milk, but each day still seems to get a little better.

I did get to leave the house for 2 whole hours last night to do some shopping with my mom. I nursed right before I left and she stayed home with daddy, while my mother and I went to Kohl's and Target. We picked out some outfits for the munchkin, including something for her one month photo shoot and her halloween costume. It's so cute... I can't wait to post pictures.

Tonight, my friend Scott, who is a fantastic photographer is going to come over and take some pictures of her for her one month birthday. I am also going to have him snap a few shots of her in her costume.

It's been raining nonstop the past couple of days here. Its gray and gloomy and I miss being able to walk outside and hang out for a while with baby. She loves it outside and if she's fussy it's almost guaranteed she will relax instantly if I take her out there.

Last week my granparents, baby's great grandparents, came out to see her. Don't they look smitten?


Here's a pic of her and my mom...

Joe is now growing his facial hair back, which I am happy about. I think he's just a facial hair type of guy... I don't know what it is, but I missed it! I had to take a picture of him though while he was clean shaven, you can really see how much his daughter looks like him.


And here's one with us sporting one of our new native carriers...

3 Weeks!

The little munchkin is 3 weeks old today. I can't believe it's already been 3 weeks! She's getting bigger every day. Her baby chub is finally starting to come in. She is seeming more alert and can focus on our faces better and likes to look at the ceiling fan and her swing mobile. Believe it or not, she looks even more like her dad every day too.



Joe shaved off all of his facial hair the other day just for the fun of it and I couldn't believe how much it really made them look alike. Joe also looks about 10 years younger. He has only shaved his facial hair one other time since we met, and its crazy how different he looks. It makes me feel like such a cougar.

I wanted to thank everyone for your comments and words of encouragement on my recent posts. It's so nice to hear and be reminded that I am having the same challenges and problems that most new mothers go through when they are breastfeeding and that everything will get better soon. I knew that I wasn't going through anything new or special or extra challenging, but it's new to me and all of the reading and preparing I had done could never really prepare me for everything. It's also nice to vent and have it there to look back on. Maybe it will even help a soon-to-be mom to know what things might come up.

Things are always improving. My nipples are not nearly as sore. And the engorgement issues seem to be working themselves out. I am also noticing that I am leaking less as well. I really think I might be able to venture out of the house in the next week or two. I just have to figure out how to nurse without the aid of my boppy and pillows or with us laying down. I have also found that if I stay on top of her nursings, instead of letting her go too long and become too hungry things go much more smoothly. I try to keep a closer eye on her (checking on her when I think she might be hungry soon) and notice as soon as she starts opening her mouth and sticking out her tongue. If I nurse her earlier instead of waiting until she gets upset (there's a very fine line there), she latches on better and doesn't get worked up. So as of yesterday, through today, it has been alot less stressful. She even went 3 hours between nursings twice last night and I was able to actually get a couple 2 hour sleep sessions in. Yay! Also the past couple of mornings, after Joe leaves for work, I will just bring her in the bed with me and nurse her and then we will both fall asleep for a while. I love having her in the bed with me, and she really loves it, but only when Joe is not there. There just isn't enough room for all 3 of us.

So even though we will still have days that are much harder then others, I am grateful that today is a very good day. She even smiled at me :) She has smiled in her sleep and just as a reflex many times, but today she actually smiled (several times) in response to me talking to her and snuggling with her. It melted my heart.

Last week was international babywearing week. I'm a little late, but here's a pic of us in the sleepywrap. And yes, I realize I look like a hot mess. I really need to get my hair done! (House call Michele?)

And here's a little video I took of her at 2 weeks old...

Some thoughts on Breastfeeding

I always knew I would breastfeed when we started talking about having a baby. It was just always assumed, I never gave it much thought. I have plenty of friends that use formula and some that breastfeed and it's a decision that is made by each mother based on what works best for them. Some of my friends, including my sister, tried to breastfeed, but for some reason, it just didn't work. Either it was too much work, their baby didn't take to it, or they didn't have enough milk... the list goes on. Knowing all of this, I tried to mentally prepare myself for a big challenge. I tried to prepare for things to be very hard and that I would have to work very hard and be very patient for things to work out. I read plenty of books about breastfeeding, I attended La Leche League Meetings and I talked to all of my friends that breastfed successfully and unsuccessfully. I hoped that it would go very smoothly and that things would easily fall into place, but incase it didn't, I wanted to prepare. I was determined to make it work through any challenge.

It's a good thing I prepared, because things have definitely been very challenging.

From the get go, I had no problem producing enough milk. She latched on really well at first. Even in the hospital, within minutes of birth, she nursed for 30 minutes. It seemed like we were already pros. Before my milk came in, while my breasts were filled with colostrum, we seemed to naturally move from one nursing position to the next with ease. I was able to even walk around with her in my arms and nurse. I was nursing and eating my lunch at the same time, something the nurses seemed to be very impressed with, since I was a first time mom.

She had jaundice, but it was mild, so I refused to give her a bottle with formula when the doctor ordered that I supplement to get her bowels moving to help the jaundice numbers go down. With my hormones all out of whack, I cried as I told them there was no way they were giving my baby a bottle so soon before breastfeeding had even been established. I had read too much about nipple confusion and this wasn't something I wanted to deal with this early on (now realize how very very glad I am that I stood my ground, more on this below). I agreed to a "Supplemental Nursing System", which used a tiny tube that sat next to my nipple to deliver some formula while she breastfeed at the same time. When they weren't looking, I didn't use it, and once home, I threw it away. But she still ate like a champ and filled their poopy diaper quota. Her jaundice numbers went down and everything turned out fine.

My milk came in 2.5 days after the munchkin was born, and my boobs swelled up to the size of watermelons. Suddenly positioning her wasn't as easy. I remember right as my milk was coming in, I looked down at her, and suddenly she seemed so much further away from me. It took my a minute to realize that my boob had nearly doubled in size and it was threatening to suffocate my baby! And she too seemed confused and overwhelmed by the sheer mass of this breast sitting on top of her face. I am not exaggerating here... my breasts are ginormous! Some of the positions that were easier before, now seemed impossible. We were scrambling to figure out what to do. We figured it out though, and we found new positions that worked better.

Every day (and every night) is different. Sometimes she will go 2-3 hours between nursing, sometimes she will go 1 hour, or maybe only 30 minutes. Sometimes she just wants to comfort nurse, or sometimes she wants a 5 minutes snack. It's tiring, and frustrating, and at the same time, I feel that every nursing brings us closer, that we are bonding, and I am giving her the nourishment and comfort that she needs right now. I am building her trust in the world. And even though it can be very exhausting, it's easy to give her what she needs when she wants it. I love her so much, how could I do anything less for her? But that is not to say, that I do not get overwhelmed and can understand why some opt for formula. I have thought about how much easier things would be. How my husband could take turns feeding her and that I could get more then 1.5 - 2 hours of sleep at a time. But everyone keeps telling me this phase is short and things will get easier. She will go longer between nursings and this will pass before I know it. So I hang on to that thought and I repeat to myself many times a day.

It would help if I could get out of the house for a while and take a break. But did I mention how engorged my boobs get? I have quite an abundance of milk. The call it an oversupply, and if I had twins or maybe even triplets, no one would be going hungry. I was told that if they became engorged I could pump to relieve the pressure. I took this too far and was pumping 2-6 oz at a time with a manual hand pump, several times a day. Within a week, I had about 30 bags of breastmilk frozen and stored. I felt like I was pumping or nursing all day, without much time for anything else. I started to get worried that this was going to go on forever. After doing a little research, I realized that by pumping so much, I was making things worse. I was signaling to my breasts that this was how much milk I needed to and to keep producing that much. I had to stop cold turkey, try to endure the discomfort, and only pump a little tiny bit when things became too painful.

So last Monday (one week ago), I quit pumping. It's been a rough week. My boobs were leaking everywhere. I would have huge wet circles on my shirts and when she would nurse from one side, the other would leak really bad. When she would try to latch on, my milk would come out in so much force that she would cough and sputter. As she moved away from my nipple, milk would squirt out and spray her in her nose, or her eye or all over her face. So when it would get really bad, I would pump just a tiny bit first and make it easier for her to nurse. Or I would get in the shower and let them leak out to release some of the pressure. Sometimes I would just turn on the warm water in the sink and let them drain out into the sink. I always have to have burp cloths layered underneath us while nursing, or everything will get wet. After a week, I can say things have definitely improved quite a bit, but we still have a ways to go. I haven't had to pump at all for a few days, and they are leaking quite a bit less. They still become very full, but not to the point they were before, where I felt like they were going to burst open at any moment.

A few days ago, the munchkin was acting particularly fussy. She seemed to want to nurse nonstop and she was crabby, tired and fighting sleep. So I decided to try giving her a pacifier. She took to it pretty well, and after sucking on it for a few minutes, she drifted off to sleep. Over the next day and a half we gave it to her whenever she started getting fussy. It calmed her right down almost every time. But then I started noticing she was taking longer to latch on and then she wasn't latching on at all. She would act hungry, but then scream and cry as soon as I tried to bring her to my nipple to nurse. She would flair her arms around and push my breast away from her. I knew right away it was because of the pacifier. She had "nipple confusion" and didn't want to latch on to my nipple any more. She was also starving and had worked herself into quite a tizzy, so she had no interest at all into taking her time to try to nurse. I had to pump about 1.5 oz and feed it to her with a medicine dropper to take the edge off of her hunger and calm her down. Then we layed down in the bed on our sides and after 30 minutes of trying, she finally latched on. For the next day, she would only nurse with us laying down in the bed, as this was easier and more comfortable for her. She has almost had to retrain her mouth to breastfeed, and we are now using completely different positions then we were before, and she seems to have no interest in nursing in the old ones right now. Now she has also taken to nursing every 1.5 hours for 5-10 minutes at a time. This was our schedule all last night and so far today. Up until now... she has been napping for 2 hours!

Needless to say the pacifier has been put away for now. I was going to introduce a bottle at 4 weeks, just to have her try it out, but now I am going to wait until 6 weeks. This is frustrating, because I know I will be the only one to feed her for another 3 weeks, but I just feel that for the long term, this is going to be the best for her. If just having the pacifier messed things up that bad, the bottle could definitely do more damage.

So thats where we are now. Every day is different, but I think we are still getting better and that hopefully in the next couple of weeks, we will have these kinks worked out. We are both learning and getting to know each other. It's not easy, infact, it's pretty hard sometimes, but it is also very rewarding and I know we will have this part behind us soon.

She is lucky she is so damn cute.

I am going to have to accept it...

My baby girl looks nothing like me.... she is definitely her daddy's girl. We think she has my ears... but that's about it. It's crazy how different she already looks then when we first brought her home. It seems like she changes every day.






The last week has been going okay.... I am having a hard time adjusting to the new sleeping (or lack there of) schedule. The breastfeeding has been harder then I expected. Her eating schedule seems to change daily. She is only 2 weeks old (almost), so I am sure this is normal and it will get better, but it's definitely trying. She will go for spurts of eating every hour, to eating every 3, or she will sleep for too long, I will have to wake her up to eat. Last night she ate every 3-3.5 hours all night... which was our best night yet and I feel like I was able to get some real actual sleep.

I had so much milk, that I began pumping to relieve the engorgment. Next thing you know, I am pumping alot, anywhere from 8-20 oz per day depending on how many feedings she had. At first I was really excited to start building up the extra milk, but then I began to get worried about how long this would last... I felt like I was constantly nursing or pumping. After some research I realized that by pumping so much I was only making things worse and I was signaling my breasts to continue to make that much milk. I had to stop pumping, cold turkey, which has been really hard. My breasts become so full and painful and I have to try to endure it until things balance themselves out. I express a tiny little bit when things get too uncomfortable, but thats about it. At this point I couldn't even consider leaving the house, I would be leaking everywhere. Hopefully things will adjust within a week or so.

As far as latching on, we are doing pretty good. One side is great, I actually enjoy nursing her on that side now, but the left side still needs improvement. It's definitely getting better, but it's still pretty sore. I keep having to remove her and start over until she gets her latch right. Which naturally, frustrates her quite a bit.

The day after she was born, she already started holding her head up on her own. I can't believe how long she can hold it up there. She doesn't hold it very steady, and I keep my hand there in case it flies backwards, but I am amazed at how strong her neck is already!

Overall, she is a pretty happy baby, and I feel very lucky. As long as her diaper is clean, her belly is full and she is held when she wants to be, she seems pretty content. I am really looking forward to her getting just a little bit bigger so I can put her in her slings and wraps. I have tried a couple of times, but she is just so damn small and skinny, I think she just needs to fatten up a little before she is comfortable in them. It is definitely going to make life much easier. Sometimes all she wants is to just be carried around the house with me.

Joe went back to work this week. I was really nervous about it. I knew we would be fine, but it was still so soon and I felt like I had barely started to adjust to things, and that was with him there. I knew there was going to be much more adjusting without him in the mix. Things have been going pretty good so far. I have a feeling that for a while, I will not be able to do much else besides tend to the munchkin until he gets home from work. Just doing basic things, like going to the bathroom, or making myself something to eat, can be hard, if she happens to be in the mood where she wants me to hold her or she starts crying. She has passed out in her swing for the moment, so I am quickly typing this post before she wakes up.

I think the hardest part of all though, has been my emotional roller coaster. The Baby Blues are no joke. It is definitely getting better, but for a while there, I would cry at anything that upset me at all. Anything. And even though I know in my head that it is just my hormones, I still feel very sad and I can only wait it out until it passes. I believe it is getting better though. Every day, I have less "episodes" and every day I feel more like myself again. Well, other then the lack of sleep thing.

Tomorrow she will be 2 weeks old. The time sure is flying by.

The time is getting near.... Yay!!

I am officially all caught up on my blog reading!! I spent part of yesterday and all morning reading everything I had missed in the past week or so. Jeez.... when you get behind its really really hard to catch up again!!

I am planning on having a very chill and relaxing weekend. We have some friends coming over for dinner. I am not cooking... we are ordering pizza. Tomorrow we have nothing planned at all. I am very excited about this. Sunday I am going to a baby shower for my sister-in-law. Other then that, Sunday is a blank slate as well.

My ultrasound on Wednesday went very well. I am not posting pictures, because there is nothing really to see. She doesn't have much room left in there, and because her hand and the placenta were sitting on top of her face, there wasn't anyway to get a good shot of her. She's right on track to be of a normal weight. I was seriously worried I was going to have a HUGE baby. She feels so big, I look so big, and my husband is 6'3" and was a ginormous baby himself. You can imagine my relief when the nurse told me she was going to be a perfect size. She has moved out of breech and is now planning her escape route. Her head is far down and the nurse said she even felt her head when giving the exam! So everything is on schedule, going well and I am pretty happy about that.

Five more weeks till my due date!! I can't believe the time is almost finally here. I am just so excited to meet her.

After our two baby showers and lots of online shopping on my part, we have almost everything ready for her arrival. I am going to pack my hospital bag, along with a bag for the munchkin, over the weekend so we can be ready. We are planning on going by the firehouse very soon too so they can help us install the car seat.

I have her Birth Announcements all designed and ready to go. All I need is pictures of her to drop in and all her birth info.

I have been reading alot about breastfeeding this week. I plan on breastfeeding exclusively for the first 6 weeks and then will slowly start to pump and introduce a bottle of breastmilk to prepare her for the babysitter (which will start around 12 weeks), or with time home alone with her daddy. This is our plan... we will have to wait and see how things will turn out.

I am stocking up on paper plates and things for less dishes the first few weeks. I am going to prepare some meals to be cooked and frozen ahead of time so that we can simply pop them in the oven to heat them up. Who knows what I will feel like doing as far as dinners and cooking the first couple of weeks. The less I have to worry about the better. Joe makes fun of me (good-naturedly ofcourse) saying I need to relax. I am a planner. It is my nature. Just waiting for this to happen and not knowing for sure what is going to go down is not easy for me. So these things help me cope, I guess. They help me feel like I am getting as prepared as I can.

Emotionally and physically, I am ready. I am so excited to meet her. My heart swells with love every time I look down and rub my belly. I am ready to move past the pregnancy stage and onto the next. So we are in the final stretch... not too much longer!

I am throwing in a couple more maternity pictures.... I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!